Can I stay below 55? No! Wondderful! Just fucking great.

Finally, finally, finally bellow 55. That took so fucking long. I saw 54.7 on the scales and felt my heart flip. Now that I've got bellow I hope it will be easier to keep losing.

I've found recently that making soup for dinner is good because when no one is looking I can go into the kitchen and while I pretend to rinse the bowl I can pour the soup down the sink and people think I ate it.

I know I always went on about how I wanted my anti-depressants to work but I haven't taken them for three days and I feel better than I do when I take them. It's really strange. I have been so depressed for so long that when I take my zoloft and feel less depressed I feel wrong. I've been depressed for so long that that is the only way I know how to feel. If I don't feel depressed I don't feel like me. I would rather be me than a fake, chemically happy me. Though I haven't yet told my mother that I've stopped taking my pills, I've just been hiding them.

I finished reading a book the other day called 'Killing Aurora'. It's about a 14 year old girl who develops anorexia. The book was good though really strange. I liked it until it came to the end. It made me cry. Aurora recovered and turned into a fat goth. I have nothing against being goth because that would make me somewhat of a hypocrite. It was the fact that she became fat. I have no idea how she would be able to live with herself for doing that to her body, drowning herself in fat. I don't personally know any former anorexics but I know I wouldn't be able to survive if I recovered and became fat (though I don't have anorexia, I think I have EDNOS though it hasn't been diagnosed, I know my eating habits obviously aren't like other peoples).

I think the herbal diet pills I've been taking are working because I've sadly been slacking off on my exercise because its been raining almost constantly. I had been stuck on 55kg for so long while I was doing exercise and now that I've been taking these herbal pills and not actually doing much exercise, I've managed to get bellow 55. I've noticed no side effects from the pills what so ever which is wonderful. These seem to work for me so I would recomend Fusion Weight Loss pills to anyone who wants them if you can find them.

Think thin and starve on.

The party last night was fun but not so great for calorie consumption. I ate about a whole fucking bag of chips and drank all four 200 calorie cruisers. What I didn't realize is that now I have lost some weight, I can't take as much alcohol as I used to. I woke up this morning, I felt fine so I was thinking; 'Good, I don't have a hangover.' I went and had my Zoloft and then began to feel sick. I spent almost the entire day sleeping and trying not to throw up my anti-depressants while I should have been working off all that fucking shit I ate. When I finally did get up I went and had a cold bath to try and get my metabolism going. I'm going to try and fast for at least 2 days so I can get back that wonderful feeling I get from being empty.

p.s. Ana's girl: I do take multivitamins though I'm not sure if they are the best ones for what I need.

rambling and Fusion pill indications

My insides hurt and are emptying themselves like crazy. I don't know if it's because I've started taking metamusil or the fusion weight loss pills. I've lost count of how many times I've been to the bathroom today.
On the Fusion pill bottle it says:
"Indications:Supports healthy weight loss and body composition to enhance the results of a calorie-controlled diet and regular exercize for overweight people and those wanting to maintain healthy metabolic function. Helps improve fat metabolism, support normal thyroid function, and promote normal blood sugar regulation. Also promotes cardiovascular health and energy production."
If these things work I will be so happy. And to Ana's Girl, thank you love for the concern and I promise to stop taking them if they have bad effects on me.

I've obviously been eating too much because I now have my periods and horrible cramps. Periods seriously screw with my control. I'm terrified to weigh myself because I feel so bloated from my periods and EATING. Ehh. I've also got a sore on my back that is infected and wont heal because I'm probably lacking nutrients...it is really weird and twisted, but I sort of feel proud of that...what the fuck?

My best friends birthday party is tonight so for a couple of hours I will be able to get drunk and forget how much I hate everything...unless the 200 calorie vodka cruisers make me feel too guilty...sigh. It sucks that the only time I'm really happy is when I'm drunk, another time I'm r4eally happy is when I've reached a new low weight but that sadly doesn't happen as often as I would like...like everyday...I fucking wish.

I've been thinking lately that maybe I should only weigh myself once a week because it might not screw with my mind so much if I manage to lose more in between weighings.

Someone in my town was murdered last night...I wonder if I had ever seen them before? I've never heard of a murder here before.

Fusion weight loss herbs

I just got a bottle of Fusion chinese herb pills for weight loss. They claim to speed the metabolism of fats etc, etc, just generally aid in weight loss. I'll post what the bottle actually says later when my parents aren't around. These pills had better work.

Twitter

I made a twitter account about a week ago for all of the little things I want to write down that are too short for this blog so if any of my wonderful followers have twitter and would like to follow mine the link is https://twitter.com/Dead_LittleGirl

walkies

I just got back from a 10 mile walk. I really wanted to go further but it was starting to get dark and the moment I got home my parents said they were just about to send out a search party. I don't know if I walked for exactly 10 miles...the beach is 7 mile long, I went about 2/3 of the beach then went home, according to my calculations that was about 10 mile.
Woop, I hope my legs are sore tomorrow, then I know I'm getting somewhere.
The reason behind my longer than usual walk was that I really want to walk the whole length of the beach and the fact that I had gained somehow gave me an excuse to do it now. I've been stuck on 55.something kgs for weeks and it it seriously starting to piss me off. I really need to get below that. I have to be 50 at most by May 1st and I want to be 45 at most on my 18th birthday at the end of September.
Must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose.