Everything had been going so well; day 5 of fasting, no cutting for a couple of weeks. And then mum makes me eat dinner. Then because I ate I couldn't stop and kept eating all biscuits and shit. My stomach hurts :( fucking food.
I went to my room and did 200 crunches, wanting to purge but I've never got it to work before...and its gross...people would notice.
Then I got out my razor blade...my entire inner forearm is now covered in cuts, though barely more than scratches. I think I cut my tongue a little while licking the razor...does blood have calories in it?
I feel like suck a fat, disgusting, pig. I just want to cry. I feel so much fatter now, my collar bones feel less defined, my stomach feels bloated and huge.
I was so close to getting below my lowest weight! If I have gained in the morning...I have no idea...maybe bash my head against the wall for a while.
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5 days is fucking great. Just fast more and exercise to try to make up for it. I'm really sorry about the cutting=[ I don't know what to say to try to make you feel better about it, but I can relate. At least you've been doing really well for a long time. Just try to hang in there, sweetie.
ReplyDelete~Cora
That's how it works for me too. I can go a long time without eating, but once i'm made to eat something...i eat everything. Try not to be so hard on yourself, hunny. You can make up for it.
ReplyDeleteI always licked the razor when i cut too. Blood just tasted too good to pass up... I always told myself that the calories in it wouldn't count because they were coming out of my body anyway... BUT no cutting! I know you feel better by doing so, but it really is bad for you.