Control

Back again. Must try harder. Need control. STOP EATING! You're stupid. I hate you. You're so fat. Is it weird that I write like someone is telling me what to do?

Well my medication says that it will probably make me lose a bit of weight so that is very good and once the stuff starts working properly I will have myself under control. Depression is stupid. It makes me weak. Makes me eat my feelings. I'm already fat enough, you don't need to add to it.

I hate my doctor more and more every time I see her. She talks to me like she thinks she might break me. She says something then always has to say, "Not that I think you are." It makes me think she's insecure. No one understands that I want to break. Even I don't understand why I want to break. I just want to go into a catatonic state and lie in a ditch somewhere for a while. Why? I don't know.

I need control and will power. Don't eat. Don't ever eat. Don't give in. Food is evil.

I love it when my stomach growls.