Rambling

I hate being here at school. I feel so trapped. I can't do what I want to do which is exercise. I can't wait for school to be over. I actually felt ok when I was at home. Not so depressed, but now that I'm back at school, I feel just like I always do; wishing it was over, wishing the floor would just swallow me up. If I was thin I wouldn't feel this way. I would be happy. I will be happy. I will be thin.

Reasons to be thin

• I will look better
• I will feel better
• I will be happy
• I will have confidence
• I will have control
• I will have strength
• I will be superior to those who eat(I'm feeling that way currently)
• I won't have to cut anymore
• I will feel light as a feather
• I will cope with the goddamned heat
• I will have energy
• I will be healthy
• I will be able to tight lace my corset all the way...then buy a smaller one
• I won't be ashamed of my clothing size
• I won't hide from cameras
• I will be perfect

Excuses to not eat

• I'm not hungry
• I'm vegetarian/vegan
• I ate before I came(Superchick)
• I had a really big lunch/breakfast
• I have a stomach ache
• I don't feel well
• I'm too nervous to eat
• I'm too excited to eat
• I have to study
• I don't like that type of food
• Which part of fuck off don't you understand? lol jk

I must rebel against my hunger. Food is evil. I feel proud when I'm empty. Eventually the scales will be my friend, as will the mirror. Right now the girl in the mirror tells me I'm ugly and fat. The scales tell me I must not eat. The scales and mirror tell the truth. People don't. I want my bones to show. Bones are pure. I am not.

I'm 5'4 maybe 5'5 and I currently weight 63.45kg. Massive, I know I'm a whale. Right now I want to get down to 60kg the 55kg then 50kg. 50 is my goal weight but once I get there I will see how I look and decide whether or not I need to lose more...probably lose more.