Wow, a cold shower on a cold morning. I'm awake NOW.

I think for this one week every month I will have to just do more to keep my weight down, like more cold showers and longer on the exercize bike. I will try my hardest to keep control of my eating in this one week but it is almost a subconcious thing, I don't even notice when I am eating. Stupid hormones.

I want to start doing yoga everyday. Doing the salute to the sun sequence in the morning gets my heart rate up so it would be good for me to do that every morning and more.

Oh, I hope my Emilie Autumn book bundle arives tomorrow. I'm so excited! I listened to the exerpts they emailed me and they've got me so excited to read the book. I really want the CD too.

That's not right.

Another family Christmas party today. Hoorah. Entirely too much food, like fuck. Everyone is like, "Oh it's Christmas, you have to eat heaps, you can indulge." Yeah right, where is that going to get me? Fat, that's where. But what I don't get is they had a piniada...in the shape of Santa Clause. Right...encouraging kids to beat Santa with a stick...

I am like a raving fucking lunatic when my periods are due. Everyday, all day I feel like crying, the tiniest little thing can make me so angry that I want to physically harm people or smash things. Just seeing the car of someone I don't like and my mind is off, muttering explisitives and indulging in very dark and violent thoughts.

None of my extended family today noticed I had lost any weight. I can't see it either but my mother is always going on about how skinny she thinks I look. Yeah right mum, me skinny?
A few people in the family said I looked nice and one of my aunts said that she liked my hair colour, But they don't think I look skinny. See! I told you so! You think I'm thin mum, but I'm not!

I'm like 58.75kg today, well actually probably not anymore...ew. But anyway, I want to be 50kg at least, but why on earth do people think I don't need to lose more weight? I don't get it. Do they not see the stomach that makes me look pregnant, the flabby arms or the fat thighs?

Seeing my cousins today did not help my mood at all. All of them thin and out going, except for one who is bigger than me but she gets along with people. I just sit in a chair and quietly stare around the room, occasionally talking to my mother. I don't fit in with other people. My social skills are non existent.

I hate my period because I become more insane than I already seem to be and I lose all of my control over my eating. For that week every month I should lock myself in a room with a treadmill or something and only come out for the bathroom and to get water.

Whatever, at least there are no more Christmas parties to go to, that I know of anyway...

Having this much fucking fat food in a house should NOT be legal. Especially when people try to feed it to you against your will.

Hate

Hate hate hate hate hate life.
Hate hate hate hate hate me.
Hate hate hate hate hate food.
Hate hate hate hate hate everything.

Want to fucking die.

I need my razor. I need to cut.

Self injury is the only thing that will make me feel better...apart from if I was thin...but I'm not so...
I cut, I pull my hair, I scratch myself, I try to bruise my thighs but it never seems to work...don't know why...I hit hard. I hit my head with my hands...ok, that sounds a bit nuts but oh well, maybe I am nuts.

I desperately want to cut right now but it can be hard to hide from my family.

Why do my anti-depressants have to stop working when my periods are due? It is the worst possible time because my mood plummets at that time of the month. I can be almost suicidal and very uncaring towards my health and safety (like seeing what would happen if I take many more pain killers than I am supposed too). Not a good time for me.

All day today I've just felt like crying. I want to curl up in a ball and stay there until I am thin and I feel better. I want to attempt to starve myself to death. I want to break things including myself.

Why do my doctors tell me off for taking 2 of my anti-depressants instead of 1? Can't they see I need more? Especially now. But no, my doctor doesn't think the tablets are the problem (they've been wearing off in the afternoons but she says its not them).

I must have looked like a total nut case yesterday afternoon. I can't actually remember what set me off but I know it had something to do with my father (always is). I was angry about something, possibly just my Father's general existence, not sure, but I really wanted to break something, but obviously I couldn't because then I would have to pay for it...ah...no money. Anyway so I was pacing around the backyard, jerking my arms around (when I get really angry my muscles tense and go a bit weird) and hitting my head with my hands in an attempt to not kick all the palings off the balcony. If anyone saw me I shudder to think what they were thinking.

Then later that night my father slaps me on the ass. He knows I hate it when he does that. He then goes and plays loud music late into the night while I am trying to sleep and so is the rest of the street. Christmas eve mind you. But does he care? No. Not when he has alcohol.

I want a knife. A nice big shiny one where the blade is shaped all fancy. A Bowie Knife methinks.

Ok, I am nuts. I'll stop corupting minds now with my ridiculous thoughts.

Christmas lunch? Hide me!!

Oh god, entirely too much food and no way possible of getting out of eating. I feel like a fucking pig! So much food. It doesn't help that my periods are due soon because they make me crave bad food like chocolate and cookies. Well at least I only ate vegetables and stopped when I was full bet it was still way too much. How everyone else can stuff themselves with so much food I'll never know. And pudding! Christmas Fucking Pudding. Great. Oh, ice cream and custard too? Wonderful! Please kill me.

All of my work has probably been undone. I'm terrified my weight will be back in the 60s tomorrow.

I keep having dreams about eating fatty and unhealthy foods. Gross.

Still got Christmas lunch with the other side of the family on sunday. Maybe I can eat less then because there are many more people on that side of the people. I might be able to blend into the background.

Oh, I know! I'll bring the badminton set like last time and attempt to work off what little food I may eat.

May all chocolate on the planet disintegrate and never taunt me or any other deserving girl (or boy) ever again.

Yes! I have gotten out of having to go to christmas eve church! Fuck I hate church. I just saw the time and noticed that the service would have started half an hour ago and I feel wonderful not being there. Religion should not be forced on you, (like my father tries to do...stupid catholic...)religion should be chosen for the right reasons. I have no interest in so called Jesus or God. If he exists then why is my life this way? I have no time for any of that, I give myself to ana to do with as she will. Not God. So don't try and make me.

But you can think what you want :)

I thought I would gain

but I didn't! I had a bit of a binge yesterday with chips and ice cream (just thinking about it makes me cringe) and I thought I had ruined all me hard work. I even had a dream last night that when I weighed myself I was 102kg, I've never had a nightmare before, it was horrible. Anyway I went to weigh myself this morning, expecting the worst and being totally paranoid, but I had lost!! I was 59.05kg! I am so surprised right now and so happy.

Idiot

Chip sandwich.

Enough said.

Blah

Mmmm I love it when my stomach rumbles.

I would also like to say thank you to Ana's Girl for all her wonderful comments. You make me feel loved :3

Stay strong and reach your goals

59.65kg

My weight goes up, down, repeat. It is the lowest its been in a long time today though.

Today I pulled out some of my favorite tops to see if they fit because they were beginning to be too small for me and guess what; they were too big! I am thinner now than when I was 13 and bought those tops. That is rather sad, I don't want to think about how fat I must have been because I look so fat now.

Oh, I found a good food today for when I am forced to eat; Miso Soup. Its a Japanese vegetarian soup and it only has 30 calories. (Tastes better than it smells lol)

>:]

Feeling rather devious right now. My father just went off at me for eating in the lounge room, so now I'm not going to eat at all (not that I wasn't restricting heavily: 243 calories today). So if he is going to be an asshole (like usual) then I will actually do as he tells me and not eat. How do you like that bitch?

Lower than 60

59.95kg not much lower than 60 I know but I haven't weighed that since like year 7.

I found a book in the family bookcase last night and its full of low calorie foods and recipes and exercises and how many calories they burn. Score. When my parents make me eat I now have a reference book of foods will low calories and I wont have to look it up on the computer.

Yesterday was a good day. Went swimming in the public pool with two of my friends for about an hour plus another hour in our pool when I got home (692 calories burned). Plus walking around town with my friends for about an hour (144 calories burned). Calories eaten yesterday = 530. Pretty good but I wish I had lost more than I did.

...

I think my anti-depressants are finally working. The recordings of my mood on www.fitday.com are getting better. I feel better. I haven't felt ok in a long time. My weight is still going down too. 60.15kg today. If its not in the 50's tomorrow I don't think my rise in mood will last. My happiness now revolves around whether I eat or not or if I eat too much.

To reach my goal weight in time I can have 615 calories a day (that doesn't account for exercise, just existing). Thats ok because I prefer to eat less than that if anything at all and exercise. It feels achievable, though that is probably because of my good mood. I hope it lasts.

Cold Bath

Mmmm, a nice 15min long cold bath and now my hands are pleasantly blue and my body temperature is down to 33.6 degrees celsius. Work metabolism, work!

Grr

Last day of school, why must almost every teacher give me chocolate? Its just about the only thing I can't refuse. If I eat I will keep eating, its easier to not eat at all. My psychologist tells me that I must remember to eat because not eating will make my depression worse. Well from experience eating makes my depression worse. No one knows what its like in my mind. They think they do but when they give me advise on something its just about opposite to what I'm feeling or what will work.

Almost

I almost reached my goal. I am 60.5kg this morning. I wanted to be 60kg. If I had of skipped dinner I might have got there but no I just had to eat. At least it was only a salad sandwich and I didn't have anything else afterwards like I tend to do. Well now its time to start my new goal. Last day of school (finally). When I go back to school in February I will be 50kg.

And I have followers! Thank you guys so much. It makes me feel loved to know that someone is interested enough in what I have to say to follow me :)

Hate

Oh my god I hate myself. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep eating? It makes me feel so sick. You're stupid, stupid, stupid! Do you want to stay fat or do you want to be thin? Yes thin, I thought so. You're not going about it the right way you whore. You're a fat whore. And a cow. You keep stuffing your face even though it will make you fatter. You must not eat. You must never eat. Eating is fat and fat is bad. You only ever feel good when not eating. Are you trying to make yourself more depressed? I thought you wanted to feel better? Oh you do? Well then STOP FUCKING EATING YOU COW! Only then will you be happy.

I want to be happy.

yoyo

Goddamnit!! My weight is a fucking yoyo!! up, down, up, down! WOULD YOU JUST GO DOWN AND STAY DOWN??? fuck. 61.1kg this morning.

Happy dance

Ok, back down to 60.95kg. I have no idea how because I was bad and had a bit of a binge last night (pasta with parmesan cheese and cheesecake). Well now that my weight is back down a little I'm more confident that I will be able to get to 60kg or less by the 16th.

???

61.6kg! How?! The other day I was 60.9kg! I've hardly eaten anything and I've been exercising. What have I done wrong? It can't come back. I can't weigh more. No food. No food. No food!!

Argh

I wake up in the morning, weight myself, not satisfied, so I decide to starve. Goes well all day, I feel good, in control, only time I feel happy (except when I see my reflection). Then it comes to family dinner time. It is so impossible to not eat dinner with my family and they don't even realize how bad eating makes me feel. Even if I only eat a mouthful or two of food I feel so disgusted with myself. I feel like crying and hurting myself. I feel like I don't want to go on.

No one sees how fat I am. How useless. I am nothing except fat. I want to disappear. Maybe if I can stop eating completely I will get to small that I disappear and wont have to put up with all this shit. Nothing will matter. I would like that but people always get in the way. They make me eat. They torture me with food. They don't allow me to reach my goals.

All I want is to be thin.

Almost

60.9kg almost down to my first goal weight. I'm glad my weight is dropping again. Over the last couple of days my weight was stuck on 61.5kg and it was very frustrating. I am almost 12kg lighter than my all time high weight. God I am never going back there.

Only 6 more school days until the holidays...finally. Oh! I just remembered! Only 6 more days until The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls is released! I'm so excited. I'm getting the bundle for christmas, yay. Hmm...I ordered the size medium shirt in the bundle, I wonder how well it will fit when I get to 50kg.

Oh well, I'm running late as usual. I shall write more when I can.

More loss

61.55kg this morning. My mother is getting up me about not eating. I don't know what to do about it. She even saw me eat dinner last night (I only had dinner so she could see me eat). This would be so much easier if I lived alone.

Weighing myself this morning, I'm 62.05kg. I haven't been down to that in years. Doesn't that make me feel fat. Anyway in the past week I've lost 4kg and I can't notice any difference when I look in the mirror. I still look like a fat cow. I have noticed though that one pair of pants fit me better now than when I actually bought them like two years ago, actually they were falling down. But if that is so why don't I look any thinner?

Success!!

Yes!! For once I have succeeded in avoiding dinner! My parents were making me eat rice and thankfully there was a dog hair in the bowl (I'm grossed out by hairs after a bad experience with a bread roll and a blond hair...I'm not blond!! eww...) so I could get away with only eating a few grains. I then went to the fridge claiming I was going to find something else for dinner, I grabbed a leaf of cabbage and had one bite and went into the living room where I promptly stuffed the rest down my top. It is currently still there. I'm waiting for a time when I can get rid of it without raising suspicion.

Eating that very small amount of food though has made me feel so horrible. I feel sick. I didn't before I ate.

Well there goes my fasting plans. Parents are so difficult. Ruining everything.

Interesting

I just found out from my Psychologist that my antidepressant medication can cause anorexia. Maybe that is the reason for my renewed interest and intensity in pro-ana. I wasn't as committed to ana as I am now before the medication. Has anything like this happened to anyone else?

Fail

Stupid chocolate muffin. It didn't even taste good. I am so disgusted with myself. Tomorrow I eat nothing and do extra exercise.

I feel so good!..sorta..

Just quickly, for the first time like ever I stopped eating when I felt the first signs of being full! Yay, accomplishment. I would have been happier with not eating at all but parents...you know? But anyway, I think I have maybe some sort of compulsive eating thing. If there is food on my plate I feel like I have to eat it. Then again that could be just from my dad forcing me to eat all the food on my plate when I was a child...stupid fat bastard...you made me fat.

Another thing about my Father is that he always told me I was being a hypochondriac if I said I felt sick or something. And now, because of that, if I feel sick or think something is wrong, I always second guess myself.

Thanks. fml.

Rambling

I hate being here at school. I feel so trapped. I can't do what I want to do which is exercise. I can't wait for school to be over. I actually felt ok when I was at home. Not so depressed, but now that I'm back at school, I feel just like I always do; wishing it was over, wishing the floor would just swallow me up. If I was thin I wouldn't feel this way. I would be happy. I will be happy. I will be thin.

Reasons to be thin

• I will look better
• I will feel better
• I will be happy
• I will have confidence
• I will have control
• I will have strength
• I will be superior to those who eat(I'm feeling that way currently)
• I won't have to cut anymore
• I will feel light as a feather
• I will cope with the goddamned heat
• I will have energy
• I will be healthy
• I will be able to tight lace my corset all the way...then buy a smaller one
• I won't be ashamed of my clothing size
• I won't hide from cameras
• I will be perfect

Excuses to not eat

• I'm not hungry
• I'm vegetarian/vegan
• I ate before I came(Superchick)
• I had a really big lunch/breakfast
• I have a stomach ache
• I don't feel well
• I'm too nervous to eat
• I'm too excited to eat
• I have to study
• I don't like that type of food
• Which part of fuck off don't you understand? lol jk

I must rebel against my hunger. Food is evil. I feel proud when I'm empty. Eventually the scales will be my friend, as will the mirror. Right now the girl in the mirror tells me I'm ugly and fat. The scales tell me I must not eat. The scales and mirror tell the truth. People don't. I want my bones to show. Bones are pure. I am not.

I'm 5'4 maybe 5'5 and I currently weight 63.45kg. Massive, I know I'm a whale. Right now I want to get down to 60kg the 55kg then 50kg. 50 is my goal weight but once I get there I will see how I look and decide whether or not I need to lose more...probably lose more.

Dream

Very interesting dream last night. In said dream Ville Valo came to my school and he liked me (for some unknown reason. Why would anyone like me?). We were sitting around and talking, then I was straddling him and we were kissing...Very nice dream if I do say so myself. Also, in the dream I was thin! All hip bones sticking out and the like! Good dream. If only it was real. *sigh*

In other news I've lost more weight so now I'm 63.65kg. Still sooo fat. I wonder how much more I could have lost if I didn't have to eat dinner? Stupid food. I don't need food. I'm fat, I can live off that fat just fine thank you very much. People just don't understand that. I don't see why. Fat is there as a store of energy or whatnot so I am perfectly capable of living off that stored energy.

Control

Back again. Must try harder. Need control. STOP EATING! You're stupid. I hate you. You're so fat. Is it weird that I write like someone is telling me what to do?

Well my medication says that it will probably make me lose a bit of weight so that is very good and once the stuff starts working properly I will have myself under control. Depression is stupid. It makes me weak. Makes me eat my feelings. I'm already fat enough, you don't need to add to it.

I hate my doctor more and more every time I see her. She talks to me like she thinks she might break me. She says something then always has to say, "Not that I think you are." It makes me think she's insecure. No one understands that I want to break. Even I don't understand why I want to break. I just want to go into a catatonic state and lie in a ditch somewhere for a while. Why? I don't know.

I need control and will power. Don't eat. Don't ever eat. Don't give in. Food is evil.

I love it when my stomach growls.

Four hours of doing shit all. Don't you just love it when you have an exam in the morning then have to wait until 4 o'clock until your bus comes to take you home? Wonderful! Such fun! Right on time too...I always miss tea time.
My friend says she is going to die. She has another exam. Have fun Cherie!

Well that last post was proved wrong...stupid fat whore. I was sorta fasting and I was feeling fine then all of a sudden I felt like I was going to be sick. I was hyperventilating. So after that I figured; maybe if I eat just a little I'll feel better. So what do I do? Eat a whole plate of spaghetti! God! I'm so stupid! And now today I eat a veggie pastie. I MUST NOT EAT!!! I feel so guilty when I eat. After I ate the spaghetti I cut myself because I was bad...Bad girl! I need to do more exercise now.

OMG!!! Reverse thinspo...I am never over eating again.

I'm a bit of a whiner aren't I? Oh well. lol. I ran out of pages in my journal :( and I can't get my new one until my birthday (2 weeks) not very long admittedly but still...I write a lot in there and if I can't write it there I might start writing it here...not sure if I want all that craziness to be on the web for everyone to see...I lost 2 kilos!! Yay! I still look fat though **pouts** I need to keep up with my fasting and exercise to lose more. Irritating being at school because I can't exercise when ever I feel like it. The weight is going to come back isn't it? It can't! I won't let it...Will Power! No binges! I asked Ana what I should do and she said I should purge...I'm afraid of throwing up though :( so gross but it may be needed...
Anyhoo I think mum is going to let me get my belly button pierced! Woohoo! I hope it won't interfiere to much with exersise though.
Note to self: Start buying Dolly for thinspo.

Lost more weight already. Not much admittedly but still some. Happy! I think I'm going to tell my family that I'm going to make my own dinner so I can not eat anything. Not really sure if it will work but worth a try. We'll see if they are gullible. Oh! My hair arrived! Yay! I just have to wait untill my birthday so I can get it. It had better be enough to braid all of my hair...if not I'll have to buy more...it takes sooooo long to get here from America though.

Lost more weight YAY! Now I just need to lose 16 more kilos (35pounds) The I will be my current goal weight. When I get there we'll see how I look and whether or not I need to lose more. I really should wear my corset all the time. I really, really, really want a rat...I would call him Horatio.

OK so not eating around family is impossible without them interfering. That will have to wait until I move out which will hopefully be soon. While I'm still here though I'll just have to eat as little as I can. I have one or two coffees a day, no sugar, should probably have it black too but I don't think I can stand the flavour. I don't usually eat breakfast (mum made me, one hard boiled egg) no lunch and then whatever we have for dinner I usually only eat half if that. My parents think I'm starving myself. How can I be starving myself when I have to eat food? Stupid food. I'll just have to workout more often.

Why was pizza invented? Stupid pizza. Can't get out of eating around my family. It would't make up for it but at least I did about 45 minutes cycling. Cutting...hm. People always say it's bad but why does it make you feel better?

I feel so pathetic. Why did I eat? Do I want to get fatter? i think I subconsciously torture myself, like I'm always eating when I shouldn't, even if I make a promise with myself I wont eat I always end up eating. Why do I always become infatuated with someone who is completely unattainable? It always happens, everybody I like will never like me back. There was someone I sort of liked but not that much and he asked me out so I said yes but now I just feel so depressed and want him to go away. I don't want him I want someone else but that will never happen. I just want to sit and watch him all day because when I can't see him all I want to do is lay on the ground and cry. Why do I have to like him? He's nice, hot, funny and he's a teacher at my school!!! My Mr. Sexy. Stupid girl.

OK so...I have problems with motivation so I was thinking maybe if I post stuff on the Internet I will feel compelled to go through with it. I hope so. Righty-o, according to my BMI I am healthy but I really don't think so. I look and feel so fat so I am trying to lose weight and writing about it might help. I am currently trying a fast for the very first time and am hoping it will work. Hard part is getting out of eating while I live at home with my family. Anyway mufti day at school tomorrow so I am going to wear my corset and anything I can find that looks remotely Victorian.

I know people probably don't care about any of this but I just felt like doing it...