I resent all mirrors and reflective surfaces. The bane of my existence.
The think I want most in the world right now is to be thin right now. I can't stand this hatred. Hatred seems to be my dominant emotion. Hatred and melancholy. It is this hatred that makes me hurt myself, because I hate me.
I want to be the waif girl that you see at the shops. I want to be a shadow of a person. I want to barely exist. I want to disappear. I want to fade away from existence.
Starving seems to be the only way I can go. Once I start eating I find it impossible to stop, so, I wont start eating.
Why did I all of a sudden get the thought "I want to die"?
Because I'll never achieve anything?
Because I don't want to do anything?
Because I'm pathetic and can't to anything right?
Because I'm fat?
Because I'm ashamed?
Because I'm stupid?
Because I'm worthless?
Because I'm shallow?
Because I don't understand?
Because I want my blood?
Because I can never have what I want?
Because I'm ridiculous?
Because I'm selfish?
Because I'm ugly?
Because no one really likes me?
Because no one understands?
Because this is stupid?
Because all my goals seem unattainable?
Because no one wants me?
Because I'm pathetic and wallowing?
Because being dead would be easier.
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Mirrors and all reflective surfaces hate me as well... Theres a window right by me at work, but it turns into a mirror at night and all i can do is stand there and stare at how horrid i look. Ugh.
ReplyDelete"If i eat anything, i'll eat everything, so i'll eat nothing." It's an excellent motto, if you ask me.
Dying is strictly forbidden by me. You've gotta stay here, love. I'm sure you'll reach your goals. I still love you!