Argggh sigh fucking die

Punching ones thigh whilst cycling is not the best idea...causes cramping of the toes...ow. Oh well, I had a good reason; eating entirely too much dinner which was tofu stir-fry. I should have stopped after eating a couple of mouthfuls but no I just had to eat the entire bowl. I hate myself and the way my stomach is hurting right now. I cycled 4 miles after I ate and seriously contemplated making myself sick but no matter how much I try I just can't make myself throw up.

Entries to my diary whilst at school

Why does everything and everyone have to be so unbelievably vexing? I constantly feel horrid. I'm so fat. Everything feels so pointless. Why are my pills not working?

The reason I'm fat is because my parents made me chubby when I was little. Thanks, you ruined my life and mental stability.

I feel nothing. I don't feel anything right now. I don't get it, I usually feel depressed and pathetic. I'm not sure what is worse; feeling horrible or feeling nothing. Actually I do feel guilt, one of my dominant emotions, for eating so much food.

Fucking kill me right now. This is so fucking shit and pathetic (I think I overuse that word). School work does not mix with me. I just want to yell and scream and tell everyone how fucking ridiculous they are. I have to get out of this place and away from all these people. My periods are fucking finished so why do I still feel this way? My dose is doubled and still not working. What the fuck?

I feel so agitated. Twitchy. My stomach feels strange. I don't understand why I'm like this.

I can't take all this shit. I'm just finishing yr 12 before it drives me to kill myself. This really isn't a good environment for me. I can't just do what I have to without stressing. And I don't seem to be able to do much of what I'm supposed to. School is going to kill me. Its not right to put children through this sort of shit. Pile them with expectations and ideals. Threaten them with a mediocre life if they don't do well in school. My life is already crappy enough, I don't need that hanging over my head too. I can't do this because its killing me but I can't quit because I wont be able to make a decent living if I do. Look what you've all done to me(school and people with expectations). I am a pathetic shell that is scared to death of the future. I'm petrified of the responsibilities of life when I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. Humans are not designed for this. Our technology and expectations advance faster than we do. We can't handle the tress of the world we have created.

And now my mentor comes and talks to me and now I feel ten times fucking worse. I need to scream. I want my razor. I need to do something before I start crying because right now If I start I won't stop.

Scissors don't do fucking shit for cutting oneself. HA! I've got blood! Only a pathetic amount though. I just want to lay down and never get up again. I don't want to do anything. Can I please cease to exist? I can't, I can't, I just fucking can't.

Different diary

Food is the root of all evil. I feel good when I don't eat so that proves it.

Why won't people ever leave me alone? Asking me what's wrong, what I'm going or wanting to see my scars. When people do these things they only make me feel worse. I was in a reasonable mood before but now I just want to cry.

According to the numbers I've lost quite a bit of weight but when I look in the mirror, I barely see a difference. I'm horrified to think what I must have looked like before if I'm so fat now. Lose 5.5 kg and I'll be underweight apparently, I don't think so...this is more than 10 kg of fat...more like 10 or more. I am impervious to the BMI! lol. The BMI is a liar! How will that be underweight?

If I were to weigh 45 kg my BMI would apparently be 16.5...underweight...we'll see once we get there. This excess fat is at least 10 kg. I have to lose it.

I can't do anything. Everything feels horrible. I want to go home. School and expectations are the worst environment for me. I just feel worse and worse until I'm bursting to scream or I just start crying.

(insert entire page of writing 'can't' over and over again)

I can't do any work or anything. All I can do is sit and dwell on how crappy I feel and stress about how what I'm not doing AKA school work...will affect my future. I want to do things but I can't do them. I want to sleep all the time but I can't sleep easily and keep waking up through the night.

Why can't I just curl up on the floor when I need to and stay there? Oh yeah, because I wouldn't ever do anything else. But that is what I feel I need. Everything else just adds to that need. No one gets that. Everything they try and do or say just makes me want to even more.
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Ok...rambling done...I seem to repeat myself rather allot don't I? That was from a couple of days at school...I think I'm much better off at home. But I can't.

Anyway, hateful fatty signing off.