I feel so good!..sorta..

Just quickly, for the first time like ever I stopped eating when I felt the first signs of being full! Yay, accomplishment. I would have been happier with not eating at all but parents...you know? But anyway, I think I have maybe some sort of compulsive eating thing. If there is food on my plate I feel like I have to eat it. Then again that could be just from my dad forcing me to eat all the food on my plate when I was a child...stupid fat bastard...you made me fat.

Another thing about my Father is that he always told me I was being a hypochondriac if I said I felt sick or something. And now, because of that, if I feel sick or think something is wrong, I always second guess myself.

Thanks. fml.

Rambling

I hate being here at school. I feel so trapped. I can't do what I want to do which is exercise. I can't wait for school to be over. I actually felt ok when I was at home. Not so depressed, but now that I'm back at school, I feel just like I always do; wishing it was over, wishing the floor would just swallow me up. If I was thin I wouldn't feel this way. I would be happy. I will be happy. I will be thin.

Reasons to be thin

• I will look better
• I will feel better
• I will be happy
• I will have confidence
• I will have control
• I will have strength
• I will be superior to those who eat(I'm feeling that way currently)
• I won't have to cut anymore
• I will feel light as a feather
• I will cope with the goddamned heat
• I will have energy
• I will be healthy
• I will be able to tight lace my corset all the way...then buy a smaller one
• I won't be ashamed of my clothing size
• I won't hide from cameras
• I will be perfect

Excuses to not eat

• I'm not hungry
• I'm vegetarian/vegan
• I ate before I came(Superchick)
• I had a really big lunch/breakfast
• I have a stomach ache
• I don't feel well
• I'm too nervous to eat
• I'm too excited to eat
• I have to study
• I don't like that type of food
• Which part of fuck off don't you understand? lol jk

I must rebel against my hunger. Food is evil. I feel proud when I'm empty. Eventually the scales will be my friend, as will the mirror. Right now the girl in the mirror tells me I'm ugly and fat. The scales tell me I must not eat. The scales and mirror tell the truth. People don't. I want my bones to show. Bones are pure. I am not.

I'm 5'4 maybe 5'5 and I currently weight 63.45kg. Massive, I know I'm a whale. Right now I want to get down to 60kg the 55kg then 50kg. 50 is my goal weight but once I get there I will see how I look and decide whether or not I need to lose more...probably lose more.

Dream

Very interesting dream last night. In said dream Ville Valo came to my school and he liked me (for some unknown reason. Why would anyone like me?). We were sitting around and talking, then I was straddling him and we were kissing...Very nice dream if I do say so myself. Also, in the dream I was thin! All hip bones sticking out and the like! Good dream. If only it was real. *sigh*

In other news I've lost more weight so now I'm 63.65kg. Still sooo fat. I wonder how much more I could have lost if I didn't have to eat dinner? Stupid food. I don't need food. I'm fat, I can live off that fat just fine thank you very much. People just don't understand that. I don't see why. Fat is there as a store of energy or whatnot so I am perfectly capable of living off that stored energy.

Control

Back again. Must try harder. Need control. STOP EATING! You're stupid. I hate you. You're so fat. Is it weird that I write like someone is telling me what to do?

Well my medication says that it will probably make me lose a bit of weight so that is very good and once the stuff starts working properly I will have myself under control. Depression is stupid. It makes me weak. Makes me eat my feelings. I'm already fat enough, you don't need to add to it.

I hate my doctor more and more every time I see her. She talks to me like she thinks she might break me. She says something then always has to say, "Not that I think you are." It makes me think she's insecure. No one understands that I want to break. Even I don't understand why I want to break. I just want to go into a catatonic state and lie in a ditch somewhere for a while. Why? I don't know.

I need control and will power. Don't eat. Don't ever eat. Don't give in. Food is evil.

I love it when my stomach growls.