Mr. Sexy smiled at me today
OMNOMNOMNOM!! I would happily eat him =D
I am once again starting the ABC diet today. Let’s see how far I can get this time...
I've already eaten 300-400 of the cals I can have today...all in CHOCOLATE!! The fuck...?
I don't even remember the last time I worked out so I rightfully feel like a fat assed lazy cow. I'm far too scared to step on the scales.
Trial HSC going on right now...prepare for the failage. I'm not really worried for some reason. Or maybe I subconsciously am worried so I'm eating my emotions without realising my emotions...? I don't know anymore.
I had to go and speak with the school counsellor the other day because one of my teachers read something in my school book that sounded somewhat suicidal...whoops. But seriously, the guy was a moron. He spoke in the stereotypical hypnotic counsellor voice and he was telling me to remember that I'm "special" and all that shit. I would have gotten exactly the same speech if I watched a bad teenage movie. I didn't know that people were like that outside of the movies, I could barely keep myself from giggling.
Oh well. Biology exam tomorrow. 3 hours of sitting in a hard uncomfortable chair doing next to nothing. I swear there is like an anti-biology shield around my brain or something because I just can't take any of it in. Doesn't help that it's boring.
Prepare for the numb ass!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Discoveries
Discovery number 1. Sharing a bet with a dog makes you smell like a dog. Having your period whilst smelling like a dog results in inter-species attempted rape...at least the dog was cute.
Discovery number 2. Attempted rape by a dog is the most male attention I've had in months.
Discovery number 3. If I can't control what I eat by making the food myself then I go completely nuts and eat all food within sight.
The other day my dad told me that he was making vegetable soup for dinner, vegetarian therefore I could eat it. I had everything planned out in my head; when I was going to cook my spinach, how many pieces of spinach I could have, the low cal yoghurt I could have after if I felt like it. Then he tells me he's making dinner...my head is going crazy.I get up, make coffee, eat cheese, eat bread, eat yoghurt, eat TWO bowls of the soup and have a fucking hot chocolate! Oh my god I feel like I should die.
Since then I haven't been able to get food under control again because my periods started right after!
The words repeating over and over again in my head sice then is "I should die. I should die. I should die."
>_<
"I know the truth about life; it's a hell I'll never get out of alive." said a very intelligent pole dancer on True Blood.
That puts my thoughts on life into words perfectly.
Discovery number 2. Attempted rape by a dog is the most male attention I've had in months.
Discovery number 3. If I can't control what I eat by making the food myself then I go completely nuts and eat all food within sight.
The other day my dad told me that he was making vegetable soup for dinner, vegetarian therefore I could eat it. I had everything planned out in my head; when I was going to cook my spinach, how many pieces of spinach I could have, the low cal yoghurt I could have after if I felt like it. Then he tells me he's making dinner...my head is going crazy.I get up, make coffee, eat cheese, eat bread, eat yoghurt, eat TWO bowls of the soup and have a fucking hot chocolate! Oh my god I feel like I should die.
Since then I haven't been able to get food under control again because my periods started right after!
The words repeating over and over again in my head sice then is "I should die. I should die. I should die."
>_<
"I know the truth about life; it's a hell I'll never get out of alive." said a very intelligent pole dancer on True Blood.
That puts my thoughts on life into words perfectly.
Monday, July 19, 2010
ADD?
Well, I've been looking at the symptoms of ADD and I'm curious. I never thought I had ADD before but comparing symptoms to my life...
I always thought boys got ADD not girls but they do, in adulthood men and women have it equally.
I wonder if I should see a doctor? At the rate I'm going with concentration and stuff I really see myself failing school. I just cannot do any work and what little I manage to do is the absolute minimum.
Looking on the internet I read about adderall. If I go to my doctor claiming I think I have ADD do you think she'll think I only want adderall for the weight loss? I mean, sure the weight loss is partially why I want it but I also don't want to fail school. My HSC is coming up soon and I'm going to fail if I can't concentrate.
I found a web site where you can buy meds without a prescription and I really want to use it but I don't have a credit card >.<
If I go to my doctor she'll probably think I just want meds, plus I don't really like her...and she'll probably want to send me to the psychiatrist again which really sucks. I hate talking to bloody doctors.
The doctor did want to see me again when she upped my zoloft dose to see if it works better. Maybe I can go see her and tell her that I don't think the problem is the depression but more concentration because that was the main reason I wanted my dose upped; I couldn't get any work done and it was stressing me out.
I want adderall.
I'm a stupid fuck.
I could also show the doctor my retarded collar bones. They really piss me off because now that you can see them one sticks out more than the other...I think it is because one of my shoulders is lower than the other from lugging a bag around at school that weighs a fucking tonne. A good workout and all but sometimes my arm goes numb :/
Well it would seem a trip to the doctors is in order. Please oh please don't send me to the shrink again!
I always thought boys got ADD not girls but they do, in adulthood men and women have it equally.
I wonder if I should see a doctor? At the rate I'm going with concentration and stuff I really see myself failing school. I just cannot do any work and what little I manage to do is the absolute minimum.
Looking on the internet I read about adderall. If I go to my doctor claiming I think I have ADD do you think she'll think I only want adderall for the weight loss? I mean, sure the weight loss is partially why I want it but I also don't want to fail school. My HSC is coming up soon and I'm going to fail if I can't concentrate.
I found a web site where you can buy meds without a prescription and I really want to use it but I don't have a credit card >.<
If I go to my doctor she'll probably think I just want meds, plus I don't really like her...and she'll probably want to send me to the psychiatrist again which really sucks. I hate talking to bloody doctors.
The doctor did want to see me again when she upped my zoloft dose to see if it works better. Maybe I can go see her and tell her that I don't think the problem is the depression but more concentration because that was the main reason I wanted my dose upped; I couldn't get any work done and it was stressing me out.
I want adderall.
I'm a stupid fuck.
I could also show the doctor my retarded collar bones. They really piss me off because now that you can see them one sticks out more than the other...I think it is because one of my shoulders is lower than the other from lugging a bag around at school that weighs a fucking tonne. A good workout and all but sometimes my arm goes numb :/
Well it would seem a trip to the doctors is in order. Please oh please don't send me to the shrink again!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Day 1 of fasting yesterday; I fail and eat.
I decide; "Ok, I'll start over tomorrow."
Again, I fail. Bodus is I felt sick all day so I hope to be able to get out of any more eating.
But anyway, I fail at fasting 2 days in a row and Dad whines at me that I'm not eating. Hello! Failed fasting twice! Which means eating like a fat ass for fuck sake.
Why oh why can't I live alone?
I decide; "Ok, I'll start over tomorrow."
Again, I fail. Bodus is I felt sick all day so I hope to be able to get out of any more eating.
But anyway, I fail at fasting 2 days in a row and Dad whines at me that I'm not eating. Hello! Failed fasting twice! Which means eating like a fat ass for fuck sake.
Why oh why can't I live alone?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Fasting!
@ Ana's Girl: I love hugs! *hugs* =D
I'm starting a 10 day fast tomorrow. I'm going to do it. Nothing is going to stop me this time. I want to do it so I will. I've been eating and eating and eating lately. I'm so discusted. The only good point is I haven't gained. Surprising I know.
I got my top and skirt for my formal today (order it on ebay lol). The skirt fits but the top is a little small. I'm going to make it fit if it kills me. I've got until the end of November I think so it shouldn't be too hard. An inch or two off my waist and it should fit. I'll probably get one of those underwear things that squish all your fat in anyway lol.
Right, that said; fasting, fasting, fasting! Feel free to join me if you like :)
I'm starting a 10 day fast tomorrow. I'm going to do it. Nothing is going to stop me this time. I want to do it so I will. I've been eating and eating and eating lately. I'm so discusted. The only good point is I haven't gained. Surprising I know.
I got my top and skirt for my formal today (order it on ebay lol). The skirt fits but the top is a little small. I'm going to make it fit if it kills me. I've got until the end of November I think so it shouldn't be too hard. An inch or two off my waist and it should fit. I'll probably get one of those underwear things that squish all your fat in anyway lol.
Right, that said; fasting, fasting, fasting! Feel free to join me if you like :)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Change
I just got back from a long walk around my town. I feel so fucking paranoid that everyone is watching me, laughing at me. Ug.
I walked around where I used to live until I was about 11. The area has changed so much! Houses added to and changed, what used to be empty fields now filled with massive houses. My old house looks completely dero.
It all makes me think; have I changed as much as this place has or has it all become so unfamiliar that I hardley recognise it. Change is inevitable but can be a bitch. Life was so much more simple when I lived there. I do remember always feeling different and always feeling depressed but back then it didn't seem so bad. I never self harmed, I didn't have as much trouble with eating (though I think I did over eat >.< ). I do always remember hating my body but it never really mattered because I never did anything about it...apart from cry, alot, but I never did try starving myself. Everything I tryed to do to lose weight was healthy but never worked. And now here I am; still fat, still depressed, fucked in the head even more.
Hoorah for change :\
I walked around where I used to live until I was about 11. The area has changed so much! Houses added to and changed, what used to be empty fields now filled with massive houses. My old house looks completely dero.
It all makes me think; have I changed as much as this place has or has it all become so unfamiliar that I hardley recognise it. Change is inevitable but can be a bitch. Life was so much more simple when I lived there. I do remember always feeling different and always feeling depressed but back then it didn't seem so bad. I never self harmed, I didn't have as much trouble with eating (though I think I did over eat >.< ). I do always remember hating my body but it never really mattered because I never did anything about it...apart from cry, alot, but I never did try starving myself. Everything I tryed to do to lose weight was healthy but never worked. And now here I am; still fat, still depressed, fucked in the head even more.
Hoorah for change :\
Sunday, July 11, 2010
What's going on?
My weight wont go down. Its driving me crazy. I've been restricting under 500 cal and working out but my weight stays the same or goes up! This is seriously doing my head in.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I don't know
My weight loss endeavour began when I weighed about 66kg. A fucking fat size 14. Disgusting. My first ultimate goal weight was 50kg, just underweight according to BMI. I'm now hovering around 55-56kg, a size 10, and I see no difference in how fat I am even though all my old clothes fall off me. My goal weight dropped to 48, then 45, and now 40kg. My BMI would be 14.5. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I want to look skeletal? When I see skeletal looking people I think how horrible they look but at the same time I think I want to be like that! What!? I don't want to be sick, I don't want to die (most of the time), so why am I knowingly depriving my body of things it needs to function properly? Why do I want to be so skinny that I look like you could snap me as easily as a twig?
I've actually begun doing my make up so it makes me look slightly sickly...and I think I looks good.
I know in my head that almost everything I think or want is irrational but it doesn't stop me from wanting those things.
When I hear/read/think about the complications of having a very low weight(kidney failure, heart problems etc.), it doesn't stop from doing what I've been doing. I just think; "I'll be fine, nothing will happen to me" but I know very well that when you are under nourished/underweight, you get sick. It fucking makes me feel satisfied when I get up and my vision dims and I feel like I'm going to fall over for a moment. It amuses me.
My own mind confuses the fuck out of me.
I've actually begun doing my make up so it makes me look slightly sickly...and I think I looks good.
I know in my head that almost everything I think or want is irrational but it doesn't stop me from wanting those things.
When I hear/read/think about the complications of having a very low weight(kidney failure, heart problems etc.), it doesn't stop from doing what I've been doing. I just think; "I'll be fine, nothing will happen to me" but I know very well that when you are under nourished/underweight, you get sick. It fucking makes me feel satisfied when I get up and my vision dims and I feel like I'm going to fall over for a moment. It amuses me.
My own mind confuses the fuck out of me.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Happy
I no longer muffin-top out of my new size 10AU jeans!(size 6US). I want to get down to an Australian size 6, which is a US 2, but you very rarely find them here. I'll just have to be an 8 and use a belt...when I get there...
I can't imagine how small a 0 or 00 would be because a size 6 here looks so tiny...when you find them...
I wish Australian clothes were in American sizes because it would seem like you dropped two sizes when you look at the tag lol.
I can't imagine how small a 0 or 00 would be because a size 6 here looks so tiny...when you find them...
I wish Australian clothes were in American sizes because it would seem like you dropped two sizes when you look at the tag lol.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Failure
Everything had been going so well; day 5 of fasting, no cutting for a couple of weeks. And then mum makes me eat dinner. Then because I ate I couldn't stop and kept eating all biscuits and shit. My stomach hurts :( fucking food.
I went to my room and did 200 crunches, wanting to purge but I've never got it to work before...and its gross...people would notice.
Then I got out my razor blade...my entire inner forearm is now covered in cuts, though barely more than scratches. I think I cut my tongue a little while licking the razor...does blood have calories in it?
I feel like suck a fat, disgusting, pig. I just want to cry. I feel so much fatter now, my collar bones feel less defined, my stomach feels bloated and huge.
I was so close to getting below my lowest weight! If I have gained in the morning...I have no idea...maybe bash my head against the wall for a while.
I went to my room and did 200 crunches, wanting to purge but I've never got it to work before...and its gross...people would notice.
Then I got out my razor blade...my entire inner forearm is now covered in cuts, though barely more than scratches. I think I cut my tongue a little while licking the razor...does blood have calories in it?
I feel like suck a fat, disgusting, pig. I just want to cry. I feel so much fatter now, my collar bones feel less defined, my stomach feels bloated and huge.
I was so close to getting below my lowest weight! If I have gained in the morning...I have no idea...maybe bash my head against the wall for a while.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Working scales would be nice
Day four of liquid fast is going well, I've never made it this far before. I feels like I've achieved something.
Anyway, I got home from school a little while ago and went to weigh myself to see if I was any lighter than I was this morning (I do this every day). I took of my heavy clothes so I was only wearing a shirt, got on the scales...55.3kg/121.9lb...That is only 100g loss since the morning so I took off my shirt and got on the scales again...55.8kg/123lb! What the fuck! I got off the scales and got back on a couple of times but it kept saying 55.8.
So, I went into my parents bathroom, got on their scale...54.7kg/120.5lb. What is going on! Digital scales are fucking rediculous. But then again analog scales or whatever the fuck you call them, get out of whack too...Why can't something tell me the right weight? I want to know! Is it the higher or lower number?
Guh, I have to go work out.
Anyway, I got home from school a little while ago and went to weigh myself to see if I was any lighter than I was this morning (I do this every day). I took of my heavy clothes so I was only wearing a shirt, got on the scales...55.3kg/121.9lb...That is only 100g loss since the morning so I took off my shirt and got on the scales again...55.8kg/123lb! What the fuck! I got off the scales and got back on a couple of times but it kept saying 55.8.
So, I went into my parents bathroom, got on their scale...54.7kg/120.5lb. What is going on! Digital scales are fucking rediculous. But then again analog scales or whatever the fuck you call them, get out of whack too...Why can't something tell me the right weight? I want to know! Is it the higher or lower number?
Guh, I have to go work out.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Almost
I'm on a week long liquid fast at the moment, currently on day 2. Going good and I've lost 2kg since I started! I'm almost back down to my lowest weight! Oh my god, I have to get there.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Well my ABC is fucked to high heaven so I think I should stick to restricting. 200 cal a day I think. I always seem to fuck up if I don't have one set limit of cals, and if I fuck up once I keep fucking up because my good feeling of control is ruined. So, 200 cal only allowing extra if I have to eat out >.>
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Damn...
Today I accidentally went over my calorie limit, I didn't realise it was a 100 day and I had more :(
So I'm fasting tomorrow which is ment to be a 200 day. Fasting is also good because I have to go out to a restaurant with my family the night after that. That day is meant to be a 300 day which I'm pretty sure no restuarant has anything under 300 cal (especially a Pizza Pasta place >.< ). So I fast tomorrow and the next day until dinner because there is no way they will have anything low cal enough.
Why does something always have to happen to ruin/almost ruin my plans?
So I'm fasting tomorrow which is ment to be a 200 day. Fasting is also good because I have to go out to a restaurant with my family the night after that. That day is meant to be a 300 day which I'm pretty sure no restuarant has anything under 300 cal (especially a Pizza Pasta place >.< ). So I fast tomorrow and the next day until dinner because there is no way they will have anything low cal enough.
Why does something always have to happen to ruin/almost ruin my plans?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Happy
I did calculations to figure out what weight I should be every day on the ABC diet and I'm so happy because I'm on day three of the diet but my weight is down to what it should be on the sixth day! Woop! maybe I can lose more than 25lb?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Ana's Girl - I can't explain how I feel to know you care. I'm trying to stop cutting. Thank you so much. I love you.
Picking the scab off a deep cut really, really hurts, I don't recommend it.
Hormones right now are my most hated thing appart from food. Hormones make me eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, and then I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate and cry. For the past two weeks I've constantly feel like I would spontaneously burst into tears. I'm too afraid to weigh myself because I'm frightened of how high the number will be, though weighing myself sometimes helps me stay motivated...
Picking the scab off a deep cut really, really hurts, I don't recommend it.
Hormones right now are my most hated thing appart from food. Hormones make me eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, and then I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate and cry. For the past two weeks I've constantly feel like I would spontaneously burst into tears. I'm too afraid to weigh myself because I'm frightened of how high the number will be, though weighing myself sometimes helps me stay motivated...
Monday, June 14, 2010
I really frightened myself last night with how deeply I cut. I decided to keep my diet under 20 carbs but I had to eat out with my family. I had a salad but it was over 20 carbs. After that I kept eating and eating. I went into my room and I was really upset with myself and angry at things I counld hear my father saying from the livingroom. So I got out my razor blade. All the cuts I had previously made were barely more than scratches with the occasional cut gapping 1-1.5mm. This one gapped about 5mm. It was strange; one second I was holding the razor ready to cut, the next I was staring at about half a cm of the inside of my arm, everything went quiet, I stopped breathing, then the blood started beading. I put a tissue over it and bound it with a bandage I keep in my room. That moment where everything goes still and you think; Did I go too far? is very frightening. I suppose I'm lucky the cut was up near the inside of my elbow because if it was down on my wrist I think it may have been too deep.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
WTF!!!
The scales say I'm 58.4kg! I was 56.6kg yesterday! I haven't eaten anything, What the fuck is going on?! It makes me so angry and frustrated and confused. I feel like a fucking whale.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Ande predictably I've gained. Don't tell me I'm plateauing again. I only just got past the last one and it seems to be happening again. Why can't I plateau at 50? At least that would be almost acceptable. But no, I'm stuck between 57 and 56...disgusting.
I watched supersize me yesterday. It seriously re enforced my reasongs for never going to fast food places. Fucking disgusting shit.
I really, really need to detox properly to get rid of of all the shit food would have built up in me over the years from all the crap they putin it these days. It seriously makes me want to never eat again even more but because of all the shit in it everyone is fucking addicted. All this stuff going around about how bad it is to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, caffine, and they go putting addictive crap in food and whine when you decide you want to break your addiction. Make up your fucking minds; addiction = good or bad?
I'm not eating from now until next week except for dad's birthday party where I will eat as little as I can get away with. It is so fucking pathetic that I am way above what losertown says I should be if I wasn't suck a lazy fuck. The weather shouldn't stop me from working out like it has been...except for the tornado...I think not workiong out then was acceptable. Though I did get a bit of exercise walking around for three hours inspecting to damage to the town.
Think thin, stay thin.
I watched supersize me yesterday. It seriously re enforced my reasongs for never going to fast food places. Fucking disgusting shit.
I really, really need to detox properly to get rid of of all the shit food would have built up in me over the years from all the crap they putin it these days. It seriously makes me want to never eat again even more but because of all the shit in it everyone is fucking addicted. All this stuff going around about how bad it is to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, caffine, and they go putting addictive crap in food and whine when you decide you want to break your addiction. Make up your fucking minds; addiction = good or bad?
I'm not eating from now until next week except for dad's birthday party where I will eat as little as I can get away with. It is so fucking pathetic that I am way above what losertown says I should be if I wasn't suck a lazy fuck. The weather shouldn't stop me from working out like it has been...except for the tornado...I think not workiong out then was acceptable. Though I did get a bit of exercise walking around for three hours inspecting to damage to the town.
Think thin, stay thin.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Holy craps...
In the town I live in this morning there was a big storm. A water spout touched down and swept through downtown. There's like 30 houses destroyed and a couple people missing. Holy fucks...there is debis everywhere. I'm lucky I don't live downtown.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I got away with a salad the other night when we went out so that was good and I'm almost back on track for what losertown.org says I should be. That site is great, you put in your weight and stuff and how many calories you plan to eat everyday and how much exercize you do and it tells you how much you should weigh every week. I'm about 1/2 kg higher than what losertown says I should be (stupid binge days fucking up my calories)but I feel ok.
I've finally got past the plateau my weight was hanging around and I'm down to 56.5kg. It's good but I still look incredibly fat. It's about 17 weeks until my birthday now so I've got that long to get to 48kg...or 45kg...depending on how I look. I think I can do it because 17 weeks sounds like a long time.
Went grocerie shopping with mum on the weekend and she's bought all this fresh fruit for me because she knows I'm trying to eat only raw foods (except for my coffee...I adore my coffee). I don't want to eat any of it but if I don't I feel really bad because she bought it for me. So, I'm going to have one or two bits of fruit or veg for dinner every night. I've been turning them into smoothies because I don't feel as anxious drinking than I do when I eat. What I had last night was pretty good, it was;
banana
dates
wallnuts
water
vanilla
I just chuck it all in the blender and mix it up. I don't think mum likes me drinking instead of eating but it was food in the first place...now it's just mooshed food you can fit through a straw...
I think I need to wear more baggy clothes because mum asked me if I've lost weight again, I said no but I really don't think she believed me. She was underweight when she was my age so why can't she leave me alone?
Thanks for your comments, they are love.
‘Quod me nutrit me destruit’
I've finally got past the plateau my weight was hanging around and I'm down to 56.5kg. It's good but I still look incredibly fat. It's about 17 weeks until my birthday now so I've got that long to get to 48kg...or 45kg...depending on how I look. I think I can do it because 17 weeks sounds like a long time.
Went grocerie shopping with mum on the weekend and she's bought all this fresh fruit for me because she knows I'm trying to eat only raw foods (except for my coffee...I adore my coffee). I don't want to eat any of it but if I don't I feel really bad because she bought it for me. So, I'm going to have one or two bits of fruit or veg for dinner every night. I've been turning them into smoothies because I don't feel as anxious drinking than I do when I eat. What I had last night was pretty good, it was;
banana
dates
wallnuts
water
vanilla
I just chuck it all in the blender and mix it up. I don't think mum likes me drinking instead of eating but it was food in the first place...now it's just mooshed food you can fit through a straw...
I think I need to wear more baggy clothes because mum asked me if I've lost weight again, I said no but I really don't think she believed me. She was underweight when she was my age so why can't she leave me alone?
Thanks for your comments, they are love.
‘Quod me nutrit me destruit’
Sunday, May 30, 2010
And what do you know? I've gained of course.
Thank you so much for your comments, you've made me feel so much better, I love you so much, you make my day.
I realised after my last post that I have to go out to Mexican for my dad's birthday tonight so my plans for today of no food have been ruined...like most of my plans whether it be by my own hands or someone elses...
I'll fast until dinner then hopefully there will be a salad on the menu...if not I have no fucking clue what to do.
Thank you again for your comments, I hope you're doing better than me <3
Thank you so much for your comments, you've made me feel so much better, I love you so much, you make my day.
I realised after my last post that I have to go out to Mexican for my dad's birthday tonight so my plans for today of no food have been ruined...like most of my plans whether it be by my own hands or someone elses...
I'll fast until dinner then hopefully there will be a salad on the menu...if not I have no fucking clue what to do.
Thank you again for your comments, I hope you're doing better than me <3
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Fat, ugly bitch
I'm a fat, ugly bitch who does nothing but eat.
I'm so stupid I deserve to die.
I'm so fat I want to die.
Why do I keep eating when I know it is the reason I get depressed? Then I eat because I'm depressed. Then the whole vicious cycle repeats. Fuck my life.
All I want to do is sleep, sleep until I'm almost starved and wake up, see myself finally thin, then I can die smiling.
I am not eating tomorrow, especially when it is confirmed that I have gained, and if I do eat I swear to god I will make myself bleed enoough to fucking drench myself.
I'm so stupid I deserve to die.
I'm so fat I want to die.
Why do I keep eating when I know it is the reason I get depressed? Then I eat because I'm depressed. Then the whole vicious cycle repeats. Fuck my life.
All I want to do is sleep, sleep until I'm almost starved and wake up, see myself finally thin, then I can die smiling.
I am not eating tomorrow, especially when it is confirmed that I have gained, and if I do eat I swear to god I will make myself bleed enoough to fucking drench myself.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair...
My hair hasn't been very happy lately; it has been constantly shedding more than usual and it's just not very healthy. (Dad was very annoyed when he had to unclog the shower drain.) So I have decided to start a raw food diet because I read something that says it is really good for your hair as well as low cal. It said in 6-12 months (a while, I know) your hair will be the healthiest it has ever been, which is great because I want to grow my hair past my bum...(a girl with a possible ED wanting long and luscious hair...that'll work...)
I hope I can make this diet work because I've been having trouble lately eating any food without bawling and hating myself. I just finished fasting for three days(I wanted to go longer but my parents were getting suspicious)and all I want to do is go back to fasting but I know if I want to keep my hair on my head instead of in the drain I have to eat.
Every thing about the word "eat" fills me with resentment.
I hope I can make this diet work because I've been having trouble lately eating any food without bawling and hating myself. I just finished fasting for three days(I wanted to go longer but my parents were getting suspicious)and all I want to do is go back to fasting but I know if I want to keep my hair on my head instead of in the drain I have to eat.
Every thing about the word "eat" fills me with resentment.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Posting again but meh...
I haven't eaten all day and I feel great! I'm full of energy and I feel happy. I'm practically bouncing off the walls with energy; I'm moving around faster than usual and practically skip when I walk. This doesn't happen all the time when I don't eat but it has happened before. Does this ever happen to anyone else?
omg!
When I lean over I can see my bottom rib! Doesn't it feel like you've accomplished something when you see results? Like when your muscles wont stop trembling after a work out (like mine are doing now lol). But it's not enough, I want to see my second rib and my third and fourth...I want my hips to stick out when I stand not only when I lay down. I want my bones. I want to be skinny.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
binge, binge, binge
Fuck I hate my periods, they make me sore and make me fucking EAT. I don't want to. My diet is fucking ruined and all I want to do is cry.
I have realized that I have developed a habbit of punching my fat. I punch my stomach and thighs when I'm pissed off at how they look and I punch them when I binge. And it wont fucking bruise! I want it to bruise! Why do I want it to bruise? I hit pretty bloody hard but still nothing. I punch my fat as if it is it's fault that I binged. I'm just weak, the scars on my arm spell that out to me.
No more food now and definitely no food tomorrow. Food is such a disgusting word.
I have realized that I have developed a habbit of punching my fat. I punch my stomach and thighs when I'm pissed off at how they look and I punch them when I binge. And it wont fucking bruise! I want it to bruise! Why do I want it to bruise? I hit pretty bloody hard but still nothing. I punch my fat as if it is it's fault that I binged. I'm just weak, the scars on my arm spell that out to me.
No more food now and definitely no food tomorrow. Food is such a disgusting word.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I have realized that combining the 2468 and Atkins diet would be hard because of the amounts of calories 2468 wants...Atkins diet has very few calories...
I think that maybe I should switch to the Atkins diet because I've just had all my calories for 400 calorie day and I feel like a disgusting, fat pig. It was only 400 calories but it seems like so much! There is no way I could manage 600 and 800 days! I wish I could just fast but it is soo hard with people interfering. Why, why, why, why, WHY!! can't people leave me alone? I'm so fucking fat and disgusting yet people still try to stuff me with food. Are they trying to make me more miserable? Maybe they want to kill me...fat people die all the time of related illnesses...I don't want to die from being FAT! Dying of something so disgusting is just pathetic...
I just want to be thin so I don't hate myself anymore. I hate all this fat all over me. Skinniness is so entrancing to me. I want it more than anything. Food should just fucking piss off.
I need to start hiding food again but throwing it under the balcony is not such a good idea because the dog sniffs it out and my parents get suspicious when she scratches around down there. Putting food in the bin in my room isn't very good because it starts to smell even though I wrap it in plastic and empty the bin every second day. I could flush food down the toilet I suppose but if I doesn't go down would be a big problem...
Does anyone have any other ways of hiding food? Otherwise I think I'm just going to have to stick to hiding it in my bin...I'll need a bigger bin though...
I think that maybe I should switch to the Atkins diet because I've just had all my calories for 400 calorie day and I feel like a disgusting, fat pig. It was only 400 calories but it seems like so much! There is no way I could manage 600 and 800 days! I wish I could just fast but it is soo hard with people interfering. Why, why, why, why, WHY!! can't people leave me alone? I'm so fucking fat and disgusting yet people still try to stuff me with food. Are they trying to make me more miserable? Maybe they want to kill me...fat people die all the time of related illnesses...I don't want to die from being FAT! Dying of something so disgusting is just pathetic...
I just want to be thin so I don't hate myself anymore. I hate all this fat all over me. Skinniness is so entrancing to me. I want it more than anything. Food should just fucking piss off.
I need to start hiding food again but throwing it under the balcony is not such a good idea because the dog sniffs it out and my parents get suspicious when she scratches around down there. Putting food in the bin in my room isn't very good because it starts to smell even though I wrap it in plastic and empty the bin every second day. I could flush food down the toilet I suppose but if I doesn't go down would be a big problem...
Does anyone have any other ways of hiding food? Otherwise I think I'm just going to have to stick to hiding it in my bin...I'll need a bigger bin though...
2468 + Atkins Diet
2468 is going well even though it's only been a day and a half. I was going through the site I read about the 2468 diet on and found the Atkins Diet. This is what was on the site:
Atkins Diet
This plan is a low carbohydrate method. The avoidance of carbohydrates in your diet is structured to keep your body from adding weight. The method includes eating less than 20 grams of carbohydrates per day. The idea behind restricting carbohydrates is that it will send your body into ketosis after 24 to 48 hours.
Free Meats and Cheeses:
The following meats and cheeses have no carbohydrates. Using the Dr. Atkins Diet plan you may eat as much of the following items as you wish.
Meat Fish Fowl Seafood Eggs Cheese
Beef Trout Chicken Lobster Hard Boiled Cream Cheese
Ham Salomon Turkey Mussels Fried Swiss
Bacon Sole Duck Clams Poached Aged & Fresh
Lamb Tuna Goose Oysters Soft Boiled Cottage Cheese
Veal Flounder Cornish Hen Shrimp Scrambled Cheddar
Pork Sardines Quail Squid Deviled
Venison Herring Pheasant Crab
Not Bad Vegetables:
A serving of these salad vegetables has 10% or less of your daily carbohydrate limit. Therefore you can eat up to three cups of these without worry.
Alfalfa Sprouts Jicama
Arugula Lettuce
Bock Choy Mache
Celery Mushrooms
Chicory Olives
Chives Parsley
Cucumber Peppers
Endive Radicchio
Escarole Radishes
Fennel Sorrel
Other Vegetables:
These vegetables have more carbohydrates than the ones above. You'll want to limit your intake of these to about 1 cup per day.
Artichoke Hearts Kale
Asparagus Kohlrabi
Avocado Okra
Bamboo Shoots Onion
Bean Sprouts Pumpkin
Beet Greens Rhubarb
Broccoli Sauerkraut
Brussel Sprouts Scallions
Cabbage Snow Pea Pods
Cauliflower Spaghetti Squash
Celery Roots Spinach
Chard String Beans, etc.
Collard Greens Summer Squash
Dandelion Greens Tomato
Eggplant Turnips
Hearts of Palm Water Chestnuts
Leeks Zucchini
These foods are high in carbohydrates and should be avoided:
Alcohol Grains
Anything with flour Juice
Beer Non-Diet Soda
Breads Pasta
Candy Potato
Cereal Rice
Chips Sugars
Fruit
Sounds good doesn't it? I'm going to try and incorporate this into my 2468 diet. Sorry the foods may be a bit hard to read.
Atkins Diet
This plan is a low carbohydrate method. The avoidance of carbohydrates in your diet is structured to keep your body from adding weight. The method includes eating less than 20 grams of carbohydrates per day. The idea behind restricting carbohydrates is that it will send your body into ketosis after 24 to 48 hours.
Free Meats and Cheeses:
The following meats and cheeses have no carbohydrates. Using the Dr. Atkins Diet plan you may eat as much of the following items as you wish.
Meat Fish Fowl Seafood Eggs Cheese
Beef Trout Chicken Lobster Hard Boiled Cream Cheese
Ham Salomon Turkey Mussels Fried Swiss
Bacon Sole Duck Clams Poached Aged & Fresh
Lamb Tuna Goose Oysters Soft Boiled Cottage Cheese
Veal Flounder Cornish Hen Shrimp Scrambled Cheddar
Pork Sardines Quail Squid Deviled
Venison Herring Pheasant Crab
Not Bad Vegetables:
A serving of these salad vegetables has 10% or less of your daily carbohydrate limit. Therefore you can eat up to three cups of these without worry.
Alfalfa Sprouts Jicama
Arugula Lettuce
Bock Choy Mache
Celery Mushrooms
Chicory Olives
Chives Parsley
Cucumber Peppers
Endive Radicchio
Escarole Radishes
Fennel Sorrel
Other Vegetables:
These vegetables have more carbohydrates than the ones above. You'll want to limit your intake of these to about 1 cup per day.
Artichoke Hearts Kale
Asparagus Kohlrabi
Avocado Okra
Bamboo Shoots Onion
Bean Sprouts Pumpkin
Beet Greens Rhubarb
Broccoli Sauerkraut
Brussel Sprouts Scallions
Cabbage Snow Pea Pods
Cauliflower Spaghetti Squash
Celery Roots Spinach
Chard String Beans, etc.
Collard Greens Summer Squash
Dandelion Greens Tomato
Eggplant Turnips
Hearts of Palm Water Chestnuts
Leeks Zucchini
These foods are high in carbohydrates and should be avoided:
Alcohol Grains
Anything with flour Juice
Beer Non-Diet Soda
Breads Pasta
Candy Potato
Cereal Rice
Chips Sugars
Fruit
Sounds good doesn't it? I'm going to try and incorporate this into my 2468 diet. Sorry the foods may be a bit hard to read.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
2 4 6 8
I am starting the 2 4 6 8 diet today. It sounds good because I don't like eating much anyway and with an actual calorie allowance I'm not as likely to eat too much. I found a site with some good low calorie foods I want to use for this diet, the link is: http://www.angelfire.com/me4/sumofallparts/Restriction%20Kitchen.htm
I hope this diet works. If not I think it's still good to do anyway.
I hope this diet works. If not I think it's still good to do anyway.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Strawberry Gashes
Cutting is such a relief. My tears stop, my breathing evens, I relax, I can breath again. It's like a trance. If only people weren't so narrow minded they might get it.
I so pathetically had been gaining weight over the last month or so and I'm determined lo lose again. I want to be 48kg by my 18th birthday at the end of September. 12kg in 4 and a half months. Sounds doable. I hope. That will bring my total weight loss to 24kg. 53lb. That will be wonderful.
Think thin. When I lose, I win.
I so pathetically had been gaining weight over the last month or so and I'm determined lo lose again. I want to be 48kg by my 18th birthday at the end of September. 12kg in 4 and a half months. Sounds doable. I hope. That will bring my total weight loss to 24kg. 53lb. That will be wonderful.
Think thin. When I lose, I win.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Hate is my other half
I've gained so much I want to die, or burst out in uncontrolable tears at random moments. The holidays should die, stuffing fucking food down out throats till we burst. Its like I've been on a fucking continuous binge.
So, I've made up a meal plan that I have to stick to every day:
Breakfast
-fruit
OR
-porridge
OR
-high fibre cerial
-unsweetened coffee or tea
Lunch
-fruit
OR
-salad
OR
-vita-wheat crackers with lettus or something
Dinner
-salad
OR
-vegetables
Snacks
-fruit/veg
OR
-vita-wheat crackers
I have to be more strict on my veganism. No more eating foods that I know have animal products in them. Its not enough that that I cut out meat, cheese and milk, I have to read the ingredients on all food packets like I used to.
None of my clothes fit right, I went from a 14 down to and 8 (almost) and now I'm back to 10s and 12s. Fucking kill me. How did I ever find something that looked ok to wear with all this bulging fat? It has to go.
I want to go back to school because I can drown in my uniform shirt that is about 4 sizes too big and hides my fat rolls, though I don't like the way it drapes from my boobs, makes me look like one of those old ladies with massive boobs and ungly t-shirts.
Anyhoo, the other thing that is good about school is that food isn't taunting me from the cupboard. I never bring money to school so I can't buy it and most of my friends food is not vegan friendly.
I haven't posted in so long because I have been ashamed of myself. Lets hope I can change that.
So, I've made up a meal plan that I have to stick to every day:
Breakfast
-fruit
OR
-porridge
OR
-high fibre cerial
-unsweetened coffee or tea
Lunch
-fruit
OR
-salad
OR
-vita-wheat crackers with lettus or something
Dinner
-salad
OR
-vegetables
Snacks
-fruit/veg
OR
-vita-wheat crackers
I have to be more strict on my veganism. No more eating foods that I know have animal products in them. Its not enough that that I cut out meat, cheese and milk, I have to read the ingredients on all food packets like I used to.
None of my clothes fit right, I went from a 14 down to and 8 (almost) and now I'm back to 10s and 12s. Fucking kill me. How did I ever find something that looked ok to wear with all this bulging fat? It has to go.
I want to go back to school because I can drown in my uniform shirt that is about 4 sizes too big and hides my fat rolls, though I don't like the way it drapes from my boobs, makes me look like one of those old ladies with massive boobs and ungly t-shirts.
Anyhoo, the other thing that is good about school is that food isn't taunting me from the cupboard. I never bring money to school so I can't buy it and most of my friends food is not vegan friendly.
I haven't posted in so long because I have been ashamed of myself. Lets hope I can change that.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Finally, finally, finally bellow 55. That took so fucking long. I saw 54.7 on the scales and felt my heart flip. Now that I've got bellow I hope it will be easier to keep losing.
I've found recently that making soup for dinner is good because when no one is looking I can go into the kitchen and while I pretend to rinse the bowl I can pour the soup down the sink and people think I ate it.
I know I always went on about how I wanted my anti-depressants to work but I haven't taken them for three days and I feel better than I do when I take them. It's really strange. I have been so depressed for so long that when I take my zoloft and feel less depressed I feel wrong. I've been depressed for so long that that is the only way I know how to feel. If I don't feel depressed I don't feel like me. I would rather be me than a fake, chemically happy me. Though I haven't yet told my mother that I've stopped taking my pills, I've just been hiding them.
I finished reading a book the other day called 'Killing Aurora'. It's about a 14 year old girl who develops anorexia. The book was good though really strange. I liked it until it came to the end. It made me cry. Aurora recovered and turned into a fat goth. I have nothing against being goth because that would make me somewhat of a hypocrite. It was the fact that she became fat. I have no idea how she would be able to live with herself for doing that to her body, drowning herself in fat. I don't personally know any former anorexics but I know I wouldn't be able to survive if I recovered and became fat (though I don't have anorexia, I think I have EDNOS though it hasn't been diagnosed, I know my eating habits obviously aren't like other peoples).
I think the herbal diet pills I've been taking are working because I've sadly been slacking off on my exercise because its been raining almost constantly. I had been stuck on 55kg for so long while I was doing exercise and now that I've been taking these herbal pills and not actually doing much exercise, I've managed to get bellow 55. I've noticed no side effects from the pills what so ever which is wonderful. These seem to work for me so I would recomend Fusion Weight Loss pills to anyone who wants them if you can find them.
Think thin and starve on.
I've found recently that making soup for dinner is good because when no one is looking I can go into the kitchen and while I pretend to rinse the bowl I can pour the soup down the sink and people think I ate it.
I know I always went on about how I wanted my anti-depressants to work but I haven't taken them for three days and I feel better than I do when I take them. It's really strange. I have been so depressed for so long that when I take my zoloft and feel less depressed I feel wrong. I've been depressed for so long that that is the only way I know how to feel. If I don't feel depressed I don't feel like me. I would rather be me than a fake, chemically happy me. Though I haven't yet told my mother that I've stopped taking my pills, I've just been hiding them.
I finished reading a book the other day called 'Killing Aurora'. It's about a 14 year old girl who develops anorexia. The book was good though really strange. I liked it until it came to the end. It made me cry. Aurora recovered and turned into a fat goth. I have nothing against being goth because that would make me somewhat of a hypocrite. It was the fact that she became fat. I have no idea how she would be able to live with herself for doing that to her body, drowning herself in fat. I don't personally know any former anorexics but I know I wouldn't be able to survive if I recovered and became fat (though I don't have anorexia, I think I have EDNOS though it hasn't been diagnosed, I know my eating habits obviously aren't like other peoples).
I think the herbal diet pills I've been taking are working because I've sadly been slacking off on my exercise because its been raining almost constantly. I had been stuck on 55kg for so long while I was doing exercise and now that I've been taking these herbal pills and not actually doing much exercise, I've managed to get bellow 55. I've noticed no side effects from the pills what so ever which is wonderful. These seem to work for me so I would recomend Fusion Weight Loss pills to anyone who wants them if you can find them.
Think thin and starve on.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
The party last night was fun but not so great for calorie consumption. I ate about a whole fucking bag of chips and drank all four 200 calorie cruisers. What I didn't realize is that now I have lost some weight, I can't take as much alcohol as I used to. I woke up this morning, I felt fine so I was thinking; 'Good, I don't have a hangover.' I went and had my Zoloft and then began to feel sick. I spent almost the entire day sleeping and trying not to throw up my anti-depressants while I should have been working off all that fucking shit I ate. When I finally did get up I went and had a cold bath to try and get my metabolism going. I'm going to try and fast for at least 2 days so I can get back that wonderful feeling I get from being empty.
p.s. Ana's girl: I do take multivitamins though I'm not sure if they are the best ones for what I need.
p.s. Ana's girl: I do take multivitamins though I'm not sure if they are the best ones for what I need.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
rambling and Fusion pill indications
My insides hurt and are emptying themselves like crazy. I don't know if it's because I've started taking metamusil or the fusion weight loss pills. I've lost count of how many times I've been to the bathroom today.
On the Fusion pill bottle it says:
"Indications:Supports healthy weight loss and body composition to enhance the results of a calorie-controlled diet and regular exercize for overweight people and those wanting to maintain healthy metabolic function. Helps improve fat metabolism, support normal thyroid function, and promote normal blood sugar regulation. Also promotes cardiovascular health and energy production."
If these things work I will be so happy. And to Ana's Girl, thank you love for the concern and I promise to stop taking them if they have bad effects on me.
I've obviously been eating too much because I now have my periods and horrible cramps. Periods seriously screw with my control. I'm terrified to weigh myself because I feel so bloated from my periods and EATING. Ehh. I've also got a sore on my back that is infected and wont heal because I'm probably lacking nutrients...it is really weird and twisted, but I sort of feel proud of that...what the fuck?
My best friends birthday party is tonight so for a couple of hours I will be able to get drunk and forget how much I hate everything...unless the 200 calorie vodka cruisers make me feel too guilty...sigh. It sucks that the only time I'm really happy is when I'm drunk, another time I'm r4eally happy is when I've reached a new low weight but that sadly doesn't happen as often as I would like...like everyday...I fucking wish.
I've been thinking lately that maybe I should only weigh myself once a week because it might not screw with my mind so much if I manage to lose more in between weighings.
Someone in my town was murdered last night...I wonder if I had ever seen them before? I've never heard of a murder here before.
On the Fusion pill bottle it says:
"Indications:Supports healthy weight loss and body composition to enhance the results of a calorie-controlled diet and regular exercize for overweight people and those wanting to maintain healthy metabolic function. Helps improve fat metabolism, support normal thyroid function, and promote normal blood sugar regulation. Also promotes cardiovascular health and energy production."
If these things work I will be so happy. And to Ana's Girl, thank you love for the concern and I promise to stop taking them if they have bad effects on me.
I've obviously been eating too much because I now have my periods and horrible cramps. Periods seriously screw with my control. I'm terrified to weigh myself because I feel so bloated from my periods and EATING. Ehh. I've also got a sore on my back that is infected and wont heal because I'm probably lacking nutrients...it is really weird and twisted, but I sort of feel proud of that...what the fuck?
My best friends birthday party is tonight so for a couple of hours I will be able to get drunk and forget how much I hate everything...unless the 200 calorie vodka cruisers make me feel too guilty...sigh. It sucks that the only time I'm really happy is when I'm drunk, another time I'm r4eally happy is when I've reached a new low weight but that sadly doesn't happen as often as I would like...like everyday...I fucking wish.
I've been thinking lately that maybe I should only weigh myself once a week because it might not screw with my mind so much if I manage to lose more in between weighings.
Someone in my town was murdered last night...I wonder if I had ever seen them before? I've never heard of a murder here before.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Fusion weight loss herbs
I just got a bottle of Fusion chinese herb pills for weight loss. They claim to speed the metabolism of fats etc, etc, just generally aid in weight loss. I'll post what the bottle actually says later when my parents aren't around. These pills had better work.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I made a twitter account about a week ago for all of the little things I want to write down that are too short for this blog so if any of my wonderful followers have twitter and would like to follow mine the link is https://twitter.com/Dead_LittleGirl
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
walkies
I just got back from a 10 mile walk. I really wanted to go further but it was starting to get dark and the moment I got home my parents said they were just about to send out a search party. I don't know if I walked for exactly 10 miles...the beach is 7 mile long, I went about 2/3 of the beach then went home, according to my calculations that was about 10 mile.
Woop, I hope my legs are sore tomorrow, then I know I'm getting somewhere.
The reason behind my longer than usual walk was that I really want to walk the whole length of the beach and the fact that I had gained somehow gave me an excuse to do it now. I've been stuck on 55.something kgs for weeks and it it seriously starting to piss me off. I really need to get below that. I have to be 50 at most by May 1st and I want to be 45 at most on my 18th birthday at the end of September.
Must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose.
Woop, I hope my legs are sore tomorrow, then I know I'm getting somewhere.
The reason behind my longer than usual walk was that I really want to walk the whole length of the beach and the fact that I had gained somehow gave me an excuse to do it now. I've been stuck on 55.something kgs for weeks and it it seriously starting to piss me off. I really need to get below that. I have to be 50 at most by May 1st and I want to be 45 at most on my 18th birthday at the end of September.
Must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Apparently I'm tiny...
My weight refuses to go down and it doesn't help that my parents keep shoving food down my throat.
I saw two of my friends yesterday that I haven't seen in maybe a month or two and they kept going on about how much weight I had lost. One friend kept touching my hips in amazement and hugged me and said; "I can fit my arms around you twice!" She couldn't actually, she was exaggerating. It never ceases to amaze me that people think I look good, think I look skinny, are they wearing blinders or something? What about my flabby arms, pot belly, jelly thighs and fat face? It makes me think that people are laughing about me behind my back. Paranoia sucks.
Also the other day one of my old friends (I don't talk to them anymore because they were bitches to me) told me how 'hot' I've been looking lately. So she wants to be nice to me now? I'll smile and say thank you while internally hating you.
I positively detest eating but All-Bran with light soy milk is good for emptying one's insides...
Even though it helps me lose in the long run when I eat it I still feel so depressed after eating it.
Chewing gum is my saviour, though it tends to make my jaw hurt...hope I don't get arthritis.
Next Saturday is my best friend's 18th birthday party. I hope its good and I don't get all anxious and antisocial like I usually do before going to parties. I want to go and I want to have fun but on the day I'll be trying to think of any excuse I can not to go. Vodka Cruisers have approximately 210 calories os 210x4 = 840 cal and no hangover. The no hangover part is good but the 840 calories part is not...
One problem when I'm drunk is that I tend to become very honest, I'm going to have to concentrate on not giving anything about my ED away.
I saw two of my friends yesterday that I haven't seen in maybe a month or two and they kept going on about how much weight I had lost. One friend kept touching my hips in amazement and hugged me and said; "I can fit my arms around you twice!" She couldn't actually, she was exaggerating. It never ceases to amaze me that people think I look good, think I look skinny, are they wearing blinders or something? What about my flabby arms, pot belly, jelly thighs and fat face? It makes me think that people are laughing about me behind my back. Paranoia sucks.
Also the other day one of my old friends (I don't talk to them anymore because they were bitches to me) told me how 'hot' I've been looking lately. So she wants to be nice to me now? I'll smile and say thank you while internally hating you.
I positively detest eating but All-Bran with light soy milk is good for emptying one's insides...
Even though it helps me lose in the long run when I eat it I still feel so depressed after eating it.
Chewing gum is my saviour, though it tends to make my jaw hurt...hope I don't get arthritis.
Next Saturday is my best friend's 18th birthday party. I hope its good and I don't get all anxious and antisocial like I usually do before going to parties. I want to go and I want to have fun but on the day I'll be trying to think of any excuse I can not to go. Vodka Cruisers have approximately 210 calories os 210x4 = 840 cal and no hangover. The no hangover part is good but the 840 calories part is not...
One problem when I'm drunk is that I tend to become very honest, I'm going to have to concentrate on not giving anything about my ED away.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Ashamed and idea
I am so ashamed of myself. So much food. I weighed myself this morning and I've gained a kilo. I hate, hate, hate myself.
This afternoon though I went to the lake in our town. Mum didn't understand why I insisted on wearing a shirt in the water over my swimmers. I swam out to the centre and back twice. I was so tired. The problem with swimming is that when you get tired its hard to stop and rest which I suppose is good because it makes you work more but I would rather not drown thank you.
I'm going to try and swim to the centre of the lake and back a couple of times a week. It takes about half an hour to walk to the lake, I didn't time swimming to the middle and back but I was adequately exhausted. And I can make easy money out of it because my dad has told me he'll pay me $10 a week if I take my mum on a walk a couple of times a week. He thinks she is too lazy. I suppose she is but she gets some exercise walking from her car to work(further than it sounds) and walking around the shopping centre. Oh well, it'll help her and me.
This afternoon though I went to the lake in our town. Mum didn't understand why I insisted on wearing a shirt in the water over my swimmers. I swam out to the centre and back twice. I was so tired. The problem with swimming is that when you get tired its hard to stop and rest which I suppose is good because it makes you work more but I would rather not drown thank you.
I'm going to try and swim to the centre of the lake and back a couple of times a week. It takes about half an hour to walk to the lake, I didn't time swimming to the middle and back but I was adequately exhausted. And I can make easy money out of it because my dad has told me he'll pay me $10 a week if I take my mum on a walk a couple of times a week. He thinks she is too lazy. I suppose she is but she gets some exercise walking from her car to work(further than it sounds) and walking around the shopping centre. Oh well, it'll help her and me.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Scared the shit outta me
I woke up this morning and almost had a heart attack until I realised my binge was just a dream. And I'm back down to my low weight and will hopefuly be below it this afternoon.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Why does weight have to fluctuate? It is sooo horrible. I'll get up, practically run to the scales to see how much I've lost because I didn't eat yesterday and what to the scales say? That I've gained a kilo. I know people always say that its natural for weight to fluctuate but I just can't stand it. I'm terrified to weigh myself in the mornings in case I gained over night.
I am seriously so pathetic. Why do I always have feelings for people that would never be interested in me? I love this teacher at school. Well love is probably a strong word because I don't know what its like. But I feel very strongly. Probably bordering on obsession. When I see him my stomach flips and I suck it in even more in case he sees me. I feel all fluttery whenever he is around and I have this internal monolog going about how much I want him and how fucking sexy he is. I have to watch him until he's out of my sight range and then once he's gone I feel crappy and I don't know how to explain the feeling, it's like I feel empty...like the empty feeling you get when you are feeling particularly depressed. He came up and spoke to me once in the library, I had my tarot cards out and came and said how cool he thinks tarot cards are and how his friend has some. I replied and talked a little but I must have sounded completely daft, stuttering a little. Oh I want him I want him I want him I want him! Will he want me when I reach my goal weight? When I pass it?
I can remember the first time I realized I hated myself and my body. I was little, I can't remember how old exactly, maybe 6 or 7. I remember feeling so depressed and curling up on an armchair and bawling. When my mum asked me what was wrong I screamed at her that I was fat, she told me I wasn't and that was when I stopped believing the things people tell me. When I was older in like year 7 and 8 I would (and still do) hide from cameras and scoff when people said I was pretty. My old friends would say 'Oh come on you're sexy!' but I knew I wasn't because I have fucking eyes, I could see myself. And now today one of my friends today saw the 'FAT' scar I carved into my wrist and she told me I wasn't fat. I had to convince her that it was, from before I had lost weight. I just wanted to yell at her that I was fat and just because I'm smaller than her doesn't make me thin. The same friend called me Skinny Bitch the other day after she hugged me goodbye (she wasn't being mean, it's her personality). It made me feel good but not as good as I would have felt if I was skinny.
When I'm skinny he will want me and I will not hate me anymore.
I am seriously so pathetic. Why do I always have feelings for people that would never be interested in me? I love this teacher at school. Well love is probably a strong word because I don't know what its like. But I feel very strongly. Probably bordering on obsession. When I see him my stomach flips and I suck it in even more in case he sees me. I feel all fluttery whenever he is around and I have this internal monolog going about how much I want him and how fucking sexy he is. I have to watch him until he's out of my sight range and then once he's gone I feel crappy and I don't know how to explain the feeling, it's like I feel empty...like the empty feeling you get when you are feeling particularly depressed. He came up and spoke to me once in the library, I had my tarot cards out and came and said how cool he thinks tarot cards are and how his friend has some. I replied and talked a little but I must have sounded completely daft, stuttering a little. Oh I want him I want him I want him I want him! Will he want me when I reach my goal weight? When I pass it?
I can remember the first time I realized I hated myself and my body. I was little, I can't remember how old exactly, maybe 6 or 7. I remember feeling so depressed and curling up on an armchair and bawling. When my mum asked me what was wrong I screamed at her that I was fat, she told me I wasn't and that was when I stopped believing the things people tell me. When I was older in like year 7 and 8 I would (and still do) hide from cameras and scoff when people said I was pretty. My old friends would say 'Oh come on you're sexy!' but I knew I wasn't because I have fucking eyes, I could see myself. And now today one of my friends today saw the 'FAT' scar I carved into my wrist and she told me I wasn't fat. I had to convince her that it was, from before I had lost weight. I just wanted to yell at her that I was fat and just because I'm smaller than her doesn't make me thin. The same friend called me Skinny Bitch the other day after she hugged me goodbye (she wasn't being mean, it's her personality). It made me feel good but not as good as I would have felt if I was skinny.
When I'm skinny he will want me and I will not hate me anymore.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Argggh sigh fucking die
Punching ones thigh whilst cycling is not the best idea...causes cramping of the toes...ow. Oh well, I had a good reason; eating entirely too much dinner which was tofu stir-fry. I should have stopped after eating a couple of mouthfuls but no I just had to eat the entire bowl. I hate myself and the way my stomach is hurting right now. I cycled 4 miles after I ate and seriously contemplated making myself sick but no matter how much I try I just can't make myself throw up.
Entries to my diary whilst at school
Why does everything and everyone have to be so unbelievably vexing? I constantly feel horrid. I'm so fat. Everything feels so pointless. Why are my pills not working?
The reason I'm fat is because my parents made me chubby when I was little. Thanks, you ruined my life and mental stability.
I feel nothing. I don't feel anything right now. I don't get it, I usually feel depressed and pathetic. I'm not sure what is worse; feeling horrible or feeling nothing. Actually I do feel guilt, one of my dominant emotions, for eating so much food.
Fucking kill me right now. This is so fucking shit and pathetic (I think I overuse that word). School work does not mix with me. I just want to yell and scream and tell everyone how fucking ridiculous they are. I have to get out of this place and away from all these people. My periods are fucking finished so why do I still feel this way? My dose is doubled and still not working. What the fuck?
I feel so agitated. Twitchy. My stomach feels strange. I don't understand why I'm like this.
I can't take all this shit. I'm just finishing yr 12 before it drives me to kill myself. This really isn't a good environment for me. I can't just do what I have to without stressing. And I don't seem to be able to do much of what I'm supposed to. School is going to kill me. Its not right to put children through this sort of shit. Pile them with expectations and ideals. Threaten them with a mediocre life if they don't do well in school. My life is already crappy enough, I don't need that hanging over my head too. I can't do this because its killing me but I can't quit because I wont be able to make a decent living if I do. Look what you've all done to me(school and people with expectations). I am a pathetic shell that is scared to death of the future. I'm petrified of the responsibilities of life when I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. Humans are not designed for this. Our technology and expectations advance faster than we do. We can't handle the tress of the world we have created.
And now my mentor comes and talks to me and now I feel ten times fucking worse. I need to scream. I want my razor. I need to do something before I start crying because right now If I start I won't stop.
Scissors don't do fucking shit for cutting oneself. HA! I've got blood! Only a pathetic amount though. I just want to lay down and never get up again. I don't want to do anything. Can I please cease to exist? I can't, I can't, I just fucking can't.
Different diary
Food is the root of all evil. I feel good when I don't eat so that proves it.
Why won't people ever leave me alone? Asking me what's wrong, what I'm going or wanting to see my scars. When people do these things they only make me feel worse. I was in a reasonable mood before but now I just want to cry.
According to the numbers I've lost quite a bit of weight but when I look in the mirror, I barely see a difference. I'm horrified to think what I must have looked like before if I'm so fat now. Lose 5.5 kg and I'll be underweight apparently, I don't think so...this is more than 10 kg of fat...more like 10 or more. I am impervious to the BMI! lol. The BMI is a liar! How will that be underweight?
If I were to weigh 45 kg my BMI would apparently be 16.5...underweight...we'll see once we get there. This excess fat is at least 10 kg. I have to lose it.
I can't do anything. Everything feels horrible. I want to go home. School and expectations are the worst environment for me. I just feel worse and worse until I'm bursting to scream or I just start crying.
(insert entire page of writing 'can't' over and over again)
I can't do any work or anything. All I can do is sit and dwell on how crappy I feel and stress about how what I'm not doing AKA school work...will affect my future. I want to do things but I can't do them. I want to sleep all the time but I can't sleep easily and keep waking up through the night.
Why can't I just curl up on the floor when I need to and stay there? Oh yeah, because I wouldn't ever do anything else. But that is what I feel I need. Everything else just adds to that need. No one gets that. Everything they try and do or say just makes me want to even more.
--------
Ok...rambling done...I seem to repeat myself rather allot don't I? That was from a couple of days at school...I think I'm much better off at home. But I can't.
Anyway, hateful fatty signing off.
Entries to my diary whilst at school
Why does everything and everyone have to be so unbelievably vexing? I constantly feel horrid. I'm so fat. Everything feels so pointless. Why are my pills not working?
The reason I'm fat is because my parents made me chubby when I was little. Thanks, you ruined my life and mental stability.
I feel nothing. I don't feel anything right now. I don't get it, I usually feel depressed and pathetic. I'm not sure what is worse; feeling horrible or feeling nothing. Actually I do feel guilt, one of my dominant emotions, for eating so much food.
Fucking kill me right now. This is so fucking shit and pathetic (I think I overuse that word). School work does not mix with me. I just want to yell and scream and tell everyone how fucking ridiculous they are. I have to get out of this place and away from all these people. My periods are fucking finished so why do I still feel this way? My dose is doubled and still not working. What the fuck?
I feel so agitated. Twitchy. My stomach feels strange. I don't understand why I'm like this.
I can't take all this shit. I'm just finishing yr 12 before it drives me to kill myself. This really isn't a good environment for me. I can't just do what I have to without stressing. And I don't seem to be able to do much of what I'm supposed to. School is going to kill me. Its not right to put children through this sort of shit. Pile them with expectations and ideals. Threaten them with a mediocre life if they don't do well in school. My life is already crappy enough, I don't need that hanging over my head too. I can't do this because its killing me but I can't quit because I wont be able to make a decent living if I do. Look what you've all done to me(school and people with expectations). I am a pathetic shell that is scared to death of the future. I'm petrified of the responsibilities of life when I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. Humans are not designed for this. Our technology and expectations advance faster than we do. We can't handle the tress of the world we have created.
And now my mentor comes and talks to me and now I feel ten times fucking worse. I need to scream. I want my razor. I need to do something before I start crying because right now If I start I won't stop.
Scissors don't do fucking shit for cutting oneself. HA! I've got blood! Only a pathetic amount though. I just want to lay down and never get up again. I don't want to do anything. Can I please cease to exist? I can't, I can't, I just fucking can't.
Different diary
Food is the root of all evil. I feel good when I don't eat so that proves it.
Why won't people ever leave me alone? Asking me what's wrong, what I'm going or wanting to see my scars. When people do these things they only make me feel worse. I was in a reasonable mood before but now I just want to cry.
According to the numbers I've lost quite a bit of weight but when I look in the mirror, I barely see a difference. I'm horrified to think what I must have looked like before if I'm so fat now. Lose 5.5 kg and I'll be underweight apparently, I don't think so...this is more than 10 kg of fat...more like 10 or more. I am impervious to the BMI! lol. The BMI is a liar! How will that be underweight?
If I were to weigh 45 kg my BMI would apparently be 16.5...underweight...we'll see once we get there. This excess fat is at least 10 kg. I have to lose it.
I can't do anything. Everything feels horrible. I want to go home. School and expectations are the worst environment for me. I just feel worse and worse until I'm bursting to scream or I just start crying.
(insert entire page of writing 'can't' over and over again)
I can't do any work or anything. All I can do is sit and dwell on how crappy I feel and stress about how what I'm not doing AKA school work...will affect my future. I want to do things but I can't do them. I want to sleep all the time but I can't sleep easily and keep waking up through the night.
Why can't I just curl up on the floor when I need to and stay there? Oh yeah, because I wouldn't ever do anything else. But that is what I feel I need. Everything else just adds to that need. No one gets that. Everything they try and do or say just makes me want to even more.
--------
Ok...rambling done...I seem to repeat myself rather allot don't I? That was from a couple of days at school...I think I'm much better off at home. But I can't.
Anyway, hateful fatty signing off.
Monday, February 8, 2010
ta-da!
Toss a couple of vegetarian sausages in the microwave, add a little tomato sauce, add salad, smear tomato sauce artfully, empty plate into bin, take out rubbish, dinner is served! I love being home alone.
I'm now going to print out some thinspo.
Remember, craving is only a feeling.
Oh! I forgot! I wrote this today:
Ana, my angel, my feather weight doll. Help me achieve perfection, banish every last role. This fat, it drags me down, makes me ugly and invisible. When I reach perfection, I will be invincible.
blah...sounds worse the more I read it...
I'm now going to print out some thinspo.
Remember, craving is only a feeling.
Oh! I forgot! I wrote this today:
Ana, my angel, my feather weight doll. Help me achieve perfection, banish every last role. This fat, it drags me down, makes me ugly and invisible. When I reach perfection, I will be invincible.
blah...sounds worse the more I read it...
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Ewww
Why oh why oh why did I eat that subway? Oh yeah, because my mum looks at me like I'm doing something wrong when I don't eat. At least it was vegan unless the bread had anything bleh in it so I don't think it had an outrageous amount of calories in it but I still feel like a fat pig. Why does my weight always have to go up after I hit a new low?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Finally, finally, finally got digital scales for my bathroom and what is the first thing they tell me? That I've gained a kilo. Great. It's good that I don't have to go into my parents bathroom to weigh myself anymore because when mum sees me she always asks me about the marks on my body. What does she think I'm going to say? "Oh? That mark? I was feeling really depressed at school so I tried to cut myself with scissors but they weren't sharp enough so I scratched my thighs as hard as I could instead. And those ones on my arm? I cut myself when I feel crappy and carve FAT into it when I over eat. The welts too? I snap the rubber band around my wrist when I think about eating something. Is that all? Can I see what the scales say now?" She'd take that well...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Lower!
55.65! I wasn't expecting to lose that much in 24 hours. Almost a kilo. I wonder how much I'll be once I get home and weigh myself. I really have to by scales to have in my bathroom. My parents have digital scales in their bathroom and in my bathroom there are crappy analog scales that give a different weight to the digital scales. Really very frustrating.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Finally
I am finally back down to my lowest weight of 56.5kg. This afternoon it will be less because I will starve.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
horrid bloated cow
I am sooo fat right now. Why do people make me eat? Why do they all keep going on about how 'thin' they think I am? When they say that it just makes me think about how much more I need to lose and how fucking blind the population is.
I was talking with my friend yesterday and I think she is suspicious of my weight loss. She kept commenting on all the girls walking past; saying how horrible they looked because she thinks they are too thin and how they need curves. I was just sitting there making sounds of agreement while internally thinking about how wrong the is and what a pathetic attempt to try and discourage me. None of them have any idea what it is like inside my head.
Another friend today kept going on about how 'tiny' she thought I was. Compared to her maybe, she is a fucking whale. But me? Tiny? Seriously? Not possible. I'm not even down to 50 kg yet. And my waist is fucking massive! 28.5 inches! How do people think that is small? Small is more like 20 inches thank you very much bitches.
Ehhh...I feel soo depressed lately. My meds aren't working. Do they want me depressed to the point of dysfunction and suicide?
I was talking with my friend yesterday and I think she is suspicious of my weight loss. She kept commenting on all the girls walking past; saying how horrible they looked because she thinks they are too thin and how they need curves. I was just sitting there making sounds of agreement while internally thinking about how wrong the is and what a pathetic attempt to try and discourage me. None of them have any idea what it is like inside my head.
Another friend today kept going on about how 'tiny' she thought I was. Compared to her maybe, she is a fucking whale. But me? Tiny? Seriously? Not possible. I'm not even down to 50 kg yet. And my waist is fucking massive! 28.5 inches! How do people think that is small? Small is more like 20 inches thank you very much bitches.
Ehhh...I feel soo depressed lately. My meds aren't working. Do they want me depressed to the point of dysfunction and suicide?
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Oh dear...
Mother saw a bit of the cuts on the side of my arm, only a scratch really. She doesn't seem to understand that trying to make me talk about it or show her only makes me feel very upset and want to cut more. Now I'm feeling the urge to cry even more. Good thing I haven't eaten today. Good thing she didn't see the fresh, deep cut.
No one understands the feeling of cutting. Its good, its a release, it makes me feel better and calm down. People shouldn't get to criticize me until the have felt what I feel constantly, what I go through on a daily basis. Sure other people have worse to deal with than me so they may understand but others who don't get it need to shut the fuck up until they open their eyes and see the world for what it really is; a pile of stinking shit with a pathetic excuse for life polluting it beyond repair.
No one understands the feeling of cutting. Its good, its a release, it makes me feel better and calm down. People shouldn't get to criticize me until the have felt what I feel constantly, what I go through on a daily basis. Sure other people have worse to deal with than me so they may understand but others who don't get it need to shut the fuck up until they open their eyes and see the world for what it really is; a pile of stinking shit with a pathetic excuse for life polluting it beyond repair.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Fat fat fat
My periods started today so I feel lower than crap. I feel like crying constantly and I feel fucking HUGE.
I have noticed recently that everyone around me looks fatter than they used to. When I say everyone I mean it. Random strangers I would previously have thought thin I now think they are not so thin and I notice every flaw about them from bad hair, small or large amounts of fat, blemishes, the way they walk and how their fat jiggles. Does everyone see this or is it just me? Do people notice these things about me? I never used to notice this so much. I'm so paranoid.
I have noticed recently that everyone around me looks fatter than they used to. When I say everyone I mean it. Random strangers I would previously have thought thin I now think they are not so thin and I notice every flaw about them from bad hair, small or large amounts of fat, blemishes, the way they walk and how their fat jiggles. Does everyone see this or is it just me? Do people notice these things about me? I never used to notice this so much. I'm so paranoid.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
First day back
First day back at school. I'm sick of it already but very glad to get away from the pantry.
All of my friends were commenting on my weight loss all day. One teacher was even like; "Wow! Skinny mini! Look at you!" All their comments made me feel good but at the same time there was a voice in the back of my mind saying; "I'm not that thin." "I need to lose so much more." and, "Can't they see these fat rolls?" If only the holidays were longer so I could reach my goal before going back to school.
The one good thing about school is there is not risk of bingeing because I don't take food to school and I never bring any money. I'll just cling to that thought and get through school before it drives me to kill myself.
All of my friends were commenting on my weight loss all day. One teacher was even like; "Wow! Skinny mini! Look at you!" All their comments made me feel good but at the same time there was a voice in the back of my mind saying; "I'm not that thin." "I need to lose so much more." and, "Can't they see these fat rolls?" If only the holidays were longer so I could reach my goal before going back to school.
The one good thing about school is there is not risk of bingeing because I don't take food to school and I never bring any money. I'll just cling to that thought and get through school before it drives me to kill myself.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Phew, cleaning one's room most defiantly burns calories if the amount I was sweating is any indication of such. I seriously need to keep my room clean, there was a ridiculous amount of dust and rubbish in there and my nose will thank me if it doesn't have to be exposed to that much dust again.
I am glad but not to be going back to school tomorrow. I am glad because I have awesome new shoes that I adore and when I go to school the only meal I eat is dinner. It will be wonderful to get away from the temptation of food.
Why I am not glad is because I am now in year 12. Fucking kill me. I do not need my stress levels back up. School is the worst thing for my mental stability. Walking around fretting if people are noticing how fat I am, stressing over work, trying to sit down lightly but failing to stop the chair from squeaking, tripping over my own feet because I'm to preoccupied with stopping my uniform from clinging to my fat, avoiding all eye contact and internally sneering at all the people stuffing their faces around me at lunch as I sip my water.
I hope the new year 7s aren't as full of themselves as the last lot. Idiotic little 12 and 13 year olds, so full of themselves that they think they are better and can therefore harass everyone from classmates to teachers. I do not understand how their brains work.
I hope this year they will be sick of calling me emo (when I am not) and asking me ridiculous questions like; "Ohhh, are you gonna put an evil spell on us?", and statements like; "You're gonna burn in the sandpits of hell!" (Yeah, he said sandpits...) and, "Ahh, this chick is gonna kill me!" Just because I am depressed and resent human existence does not mean I am going to kill all of the idiots no matter how amusing it would be to see them cower like the pitiful cowards they are.
Oh Goddess, I can see an increase in my dose of Zoloft coming again. So soon?
I am glad but not to be going back to school tomorrow. I am glad because I have awesome new shoes that I adore and when I go to school the only meal I eat is dinner. It will be wonderful to get away from the temptation of food.
Why I am not glad is because I am now in year 12. Fucking kill me. I do not need my stress levels back up. School is the worst thing for my mental stability. Walking around fretting if people are noticing how fat I am, stressing over work, trying to sit down lightly but failing to stop the chair from squeaking, tripping over my own feet because I'm to preoccupied with stopping my uniform from clinging to my fat, avoiding all eye contact and internally sneering at all the people stuffing their faces around me at lunch as I sip my water.
I hope the new year 7s aren't as full of themselves as the last lot. Idiotic little 12 and 13 year olds, so full of themselves that they think they are better and can therefore harass everyone from classmates to teachers. I do not understand how their brains work.
I hope this year they will be sick of calling me emo (when I am not) and asking me ridiculous questions like; "Ohhh, are you gonna put an evil spell on us?", and statements like; "You're gonna burn in the sandpits of hell!" (Yeah, he said sandpits...) and, "Ahh, this chick is gonna kill me!" Just because I am depressed and resent human existence does not mean I am going to kill all of the idiots no matter how amusing it would be to see them cower like the pitiful cowards they are.
Oh Goddess, I can see an increase in my dose of Zoloft coming again. So soon?
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Not gonna happen
There is no way that I'm going to reach my goal weight in time for going back to school. I'd have to lose 7.5 kg in less than a week. So, because of that failure I'm going to give myself until Samhain (1st May) to be 50 kg or less. Preferably less. Anyway, that is quite a long time to lose 7 kg, fitday.com even says that I can eat 1625 cal a day...like that is going to happen.
I chose Samhain as my deadline because I want to start the new year thin.
This time span is obviously much more realistic, if I can reach my goal in time I must be even more pathetic than I thought.
I chose Samhain as my deadline because I want to start the new year thin.
This time span is obviously much more realistic, if I can reach my goal in time I must be even more pathetic than I thought.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Rant
I resent all mirrors and reflective surfaces. The bane of my existence.
The think I want most in the world right now is to be thin right now. I can't stand this hatred. Hatred seems to be my dominant emotion. Hatred and melancholy. It is this hatred that makes me hurt myself, because I hate me.
I want to be the waif girl that you see at the shops. I want to be a shadow of a person. I want to barely exist. I want to disappear. I want to fade away from existence.
Starving seems to be the only way I can go. Once I start eating I find it impossible to stop, so, I wont start eating.
Why did I all of a sudden get the thought "I want to die"?
Because I'll never achieve anything?
Because I don't want to do anything?
Because I'm pathetic and can't to anything right?
Because I'm fat?
Because I'm ashamed?
Because I'm stupid?
Because I'm worthless?
Because I'm shallow?
Because I don't understand?
Because I want my blood?
Because I can never have what I want?
Because I'm ridiculous?
Because I'm selfish?
Because I'm ugly?
Because no one really likes me?
Because no one understands?
Because this is stupid?
Because all my goals seem unattainable?
Because no one wants me?
Because I'm pathetic and wallowing?
Because being dead would be easier.
The think I want most in the world right now is to be thin right now. I can't stand this hatred. Hatred seems to be my dominant emotion. Hatred and melancholy. It is this hatred that makes me hurt myself, because I hate me.
I want to be the waif girl that you see at the shops. I want to be a shadow of a person. I want to barely exist. I want to disappear. I want to fade away from existence.
Starving seems to be the only way I can go. Once I start eating I find it impossible to stop, so, I wont start eating.
Why did I all of a sudden get the thought "I want to die"?
Because I'll never achieve anything?
Because I don't want to do anything?
Because I'm pathetic and can't to anything right?
Because I'm fat?
Because I'm ashamed?
Because I'm stupid?
Because I'm worthless?
Because I'm shallow?
Because I don't understand?
Because I want my blood?
Because I can never have what I want?
Because I'm ridiculous?
Because I'm selfish?
Because I'm ugly?
Because no one really likes me?
Because no one understands?
Because this is stupid?
Because all my goals seem unattainable?
Because no one wants me?
Because I'm pathetic and wallowing?
Because being dead would be easier.
Why?
My weight won't go down! I feel so pathetic. I feel like crying. But I don't cry anymore. No, I cry tears of blood from my wrist. Though that is getting more difficult to hide, being summer, it is hard to get away with wearing my arm warmer thingys all the time.
I'm doing the ABC diet but don't seem to be losing anything. My weight went up! My metabolism must really be shot. Damn. Well I am sticking to this diet.
My psychiatrist upped my anti-depressant medication and now I seem to be getting migraines. That little bitchy side effect better wear off soon. Though I could use it as an excuse...but no...my parents seem to think the cure for everything is food. They'd just tell me, "Why don't you just eat some dinner, maybe it will go away then." Yeah right, it'll get worse if I eat because then I get all agitated and upset and that just aggravates a migraine.
I shall post more later if my head doesn't explode.
I'm doing the ABC diet but don't seem to be losing anything. My weight went up! My metabolism must really be shot. Damn. Well I am sticking to this diet.
My psychiatrist upped my anti-depressant medication and now I seem to be getting migraines. That little bitchy side effect better wear off soon. Though I could use it as an excuse...but no...my parents seem to think the cure for everything is food. They'd just tell me, "Why don't you just eat some dinner, maybe it will go away then." Yeah right, it'll get worse if I eat because then I get all agitated and upset and that just aggravates a migraine.
I shall post more later if my head doesn't explode.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Energyful
10 miles on exercise bike followed by a cold bath, probably not good for me but I was sweating like a fucking pig (let alone looking like one), stupid Australian climate! I only set out to do 2 or 3 miles but ended up doing 10. I was only doing 10 mph so it took me an hour but eh.
I feel so good right now. Full of energy. I powered through the last part of the 10th mile, probably because of the music I was listening to; Emilie Autumn the song at the time was I Know Where You Sleep, which is a faster paced song which never fails to fill me with energy and make me feel good.
Anyhoo, today is ment to be a 300 cal day but once I start eating I can't stop and its horrible so I'm not going to eat anything today unless my parents make me eat dinner.
I feel so good right now. Full of energy. I powered through the last part of the 10th mile, probably because of the music I was listening to; Emilie Autumn the song at the time was I Know Where You Sleep, which is a faster paced song which never fails to fill me with energy and make me feel good.
Anyhoo, today is ment to be a 300 cal day but once I start eating I can't stop and its horrible so I'm not going to eat anything today unless my parents make me eat dinner.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls
It arrived today! YAY! The book is so interesting. The T-Shirt that came with it is just about the only t-shirt that I can wear without feeling like a fat cow. The bundle was supposed to come with 2 recipes but I don't think they were in the box, I'm almost glad about that because I certainly do not need anymore food. Though the recipes were of vegan muffins so they probably wouldn't have been completely evil. Anyway, I'm now feeling elegant and more wayward victoriany than I was before. I actually feel ok right now, probably because my shrink upped my dose of Zoloft (The medication that Emilie Autumn takes apparently, I feel special now ^.^ ), not that I haven't taken more than my dosage before (4x my dose... :| ) anyway...one and a half tablets will probably only work for a week or two, then I'll need two tablets (that doesn't mix that well with Red Eye energy drink...I was all twitchy and jumpy for a couple of hours, I tend to get that way when I'm anxious...which is pretty much all the time...so I was extra twitchy and jumpy).
Well day 2 of ABC has well. When I know that I'm going to be eating out I'll just have to not eat anything else that day because I don't know the calorie content of the food. Lets just hope that every day I have to eat out is a 500 cal day and not a 100 cal day.
Well day 2 of ABC has well. When I know that I'm going to be eating out I'll just have to not eat anything else that day because I don't know the calorie content of the food. Lets just hope that every day I have to eat out is a 500 cal day and not a 100 cal day.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
ABC diet
I am starting the ABC diet today. I have been slacking off dramatically in my weight loss plans and have been feeling much more depressed than usual as a result. I need to start exercising again which I sort of did yesterday by going for a swim.
I wonder if holding your breath underwater does anything for your metabolism? I spent about half an hour sitting behind the ladder in our pool submerging myself underwater and holding my breath for as long as I could. I like to do this when I'm feeling depressed because I find it so peaceful and relaxing. It's possibly also flirting with drowning myself but I wouldn't do it. I know it would hurt my family and friends. It's nice to think about sometimes though.
Anyway, ABC diet. 50 days. Today day 1. I have had coffee at around 20 cal.(I'm not sure of the exact amount of milk I have in it but I know 1 cup of the milk is 115 calories so I estimate how much I use and see the amount of calories that would be in that guesstimate)
My food plan for the rest of the day is:
Italian vegetable soup: 161 cal
Vegetarian curried sausages: 198 cal
=379 cal.
And then some sort of fruits and/or vegetables keeping my calorie quota below 500 of course.
I just did an experiment involving a 1/4 cup water and my coffee mug, and I think that my estimation of 1/6 cup of milk is correct so the 20 calories should be right.
Well thin thoughts to you all! :*
I wonder if holding your breath underwater does anything for your metabolism? I spent about half an hour sitting behind the ladder in our pool submerging myself underwater and holding my breath for as long as I could. I like to do this when I'm feeling depressed because I find it so peaceful and relaxing. It's possibly also flirting with drowning myself but I wouldn't do it. I know it would hurt my family and friends. It's nice to think about sometimes though.
Anyway, ABC diet. 50 days. Today day 1. I have had coffee at around 20 cal.(I'm not sure of the exact amount of milk I have in it but I know 1 cup of the milk is 115 calories so I estimate how much I use and see the amount of calories that would be in that guesstimate)
My food plan for the rest of the day is:
Italian vegetable soup: 161 cal
Vegetarian curried sausages: 198 cal
=379 cal.
And then some sort of fruits and/or vegetables keeping my calorie quota below 500 of course.
I just did an experiment involving a 1/4 cup water and my coffee mug, and I think that my estimation of 1/6 cup of milk is correct so the 20 calories should be right.
Well thin thoughts to you all! :*
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Of longing and otherness
Why do clothing sizes have to be so varied? Now that I've dropped a couple of sizes I'm getting confused when I try and buy new clothes that fit. In one shop I fit into a 12(American 8), another shop and I'm a 10(American 6), and the again, I'm wearing my new undies I bought the other day and I thought, "hmmm, these could have been smaller," I look at the tag and they are a 10, I needed an 8(American 4). What the fuck? This is screwing with my mind. Am I a god-damn Lagre, Medium or Small? I used to know my size. I used to be somewhat happy with it. Not now. I've dropped 2 clothing sizes and can't see a difference. How is that possible? The scales say I'm lighter(though definitely not enough), my clothes say I'm thinner but then why does the mirror say I'm still the same. Why do people think my goal weight is too small? 50kg is my first goal weight, once I get there my next goal is 45kg. Good thing no one knows about my 45kg goal.
Anyway, enough ranting for the moment. I've been pleasantly surprised that my Mother has allowed my to fast. Day two is almost over and I am 58.15kg (but to reach my goal weight in time I should be 56kg right now...god-damned fat). I absolutely adore not eating. It makes me feel so good. I want to fast until next Sunday at the very least but I shudder to think when my parents will make me eat again.
May your dreams be full of happiness and thinness, unlike mine which recently have been full of fatness and binging, (thank god they're just dreams).
:*
Anyway, enough ranting for the moment. I've been pleasantly surprised that my Mother has allowed my to fast. Day two is almost over and I am 58.15kg (but to reach my goal weight in time I should be 56kg right now...god-damned fat). I absolutely adore not eating. It makes me feel so good. I want to fast until next Sunday at the very least but I shudder to think when my parents will make me eat again.
May your dreams be full of happiness and thinness, unlike mine which recently have been full of fatness and binging, (thank god they're just dreams).
:*
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Fasting Fail
At least I lasted a day and a half and when I did break the fast it was with healthy salad. I will just have too eat small healthy portions until I can control my food away from my parents.
Another thing I think I forgot to post in my resolutions is that I am trying to grow my hair out as long as I can. I want it to be down past my bum with all my layers and dye grown out (I'm still going to dye it with a pink rinse when it is back to my natural colour). So my hair resolution is to only get trims when I need them, no dying and to look after my hair. I don't want it to fall out which it has been doing a bit of lately, though I'm not sure if it's because I'm not eating much or I'm just molting a lot.
Meh, I just want to disappear.
Another thing I think I forgot to post in my resolutions is that I am trying to grow my hair out as long as I can. I want it to be down past my bum with all my layers and dye grown out (I'm still going to dye it with a pink rinse when it is back to my natural colour). So my hair resolution is to only get trims when I need them, no dying and to look after my hair. I don't want it to fall out which it has been doing a bit of lately, though I'm not sure if it's because I'm not eating much or I'm just molting a lot.
Meh, I just want to disappear.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Resolutions and stuffs.
I am starting a juice fast today and want to go for all of January but my parents probably wont let me go more than a couple of days.
I want to do yoga every day and should start it today but well...I'm rather hungover. I was expecting to have gained because of all that alcohol but to my delight I am more than a kg lighter today than yesterday. Not exactly sure how that one happened...but it's good.
I have to get a job this year because I'm povo. I also need to start driving. I could be on my P's right now but I'm just not all that interested in driving.
I HAVE to be 50kg or less by the time I go back to school, so I've got about a month to lose at least 8.6kg.
Somehow today I actually look thinner. I usually just see fat. I think the party last night was a big confidence boost. I made out with 2 different guys (it was a party, I was drunk, I'm not a slut...much), and got to explore my violent side.
I am a completely different person when I am drunk to when I am sober. When I'm sober I'm very quiet and submissive, but when I am drunk I found out last night that I am dominating and violent...BDSM much? I was digging my nails into him and biting him, he probably has bruises, I do from when he did it back. I also have a bruise on my forehead because I head-butted him...not sure why I did that.
Anyway, I would like to wish all of you lovelies a thinner new year. I hope you all reach your goals :*
I want to do yoga every day and should start it today but well...I'm rather hungover. I was expecting to have gained because of all that alcohol but to my delight I am more than a kg lighter today than yesterday. Not exactly sure how that one happened...but it's good.
I have to get a job this year because I'm povo. I also need to start driving. I could be on my P's right now but I'm just not all that interested in driving.
I HAVE to be 50kg or less by the time I go back to school, so I've got about a month to lose at least 8.6kg.
Somehow today I actually look thinner. I usually just see fat. I think the party last night was a big confidence boost. I made out with 2 different guys (it was a party, I was drunk, I'm not a slut...much), and got to explore my violent side.
I am a completely different person when I am drunk to when I am sober. When I'm sober I'm very quiet and submissive, but when I am drunk I found out last night that I am dominating and violent...BDSM much? I was digging my nails into him and biting him, he probably has bruises, I do from when he did it back. I also have a bruise on my forehead because I head-butted him...not sure why I did that.
Anyway, I would like to wish all of you lovelies a thinner new year. I hope you all reach your goals :*
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