My weight loss endeavour began when I weighed about 66kg. A fucking fat size 14. Disgusting. My first ultimate goal weight was 50kg, just underweight according to BMI. I'm now hovering around 55-56kg, a size 10, and I see no difference in how fat I am even though all my old clothes fall off me. My goal weight dropped to 48, then 45, and now 40kg. My BMI would be 14.5. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I want to look skeletal? When I see skeletal looking people I think how horrible they look but at the same time I think I want to be like that! What!? I don't want to be sick, I don't want to die (most of the time), so why am I knowingly depriving my body of things it needs to function properly? Why do I want to be so skinny that I look like you could snap me as easily as a twig?
I've actually begun doing my make up so it makes me look slightly sickly...and I think I looks good.
I know in my head that almost everything I think or want is irrational but it doesn't stop me from wanting those things.
When I hear/read/think about the complications of having a very low weight(kidney failure, heart problems etc.), it doesn't stop from doing what I've been doing. I just think; "I'll be fine, nothing will happen to me" but I know very well that when you are under nourished/underweight, you get sick. It fucking makes me feel satisfied when I get up and my vision dims and I feel like I'm going to fall over for a moment. It amuses me.
My own mind confuses the fuck out of me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I know how you're feeling, love. I feel the same exact way. It's so confusing to actually desire to look sickly, and think that sickness will be beauty, and love it when your body shows you that you might be getting close to that sickness... I wish i could give you some answers...but i wonder the same things and don't have the answers for myself either. Just know that you're not alone.
ReplyDelete