Discoveries

Discovery number 1. Sharing a bet with a dog makes you smell like a dog. Having your period whilst smelling like a dog results in inter-species attempted rape...at least the dog was cute.

Discovery number 2. Attempted rape by a dog is the most male attention I've had in months.

Discovery number 3. If I can't control what I eat by making the food myself then I go completely nuts and eat all food within sight.

The other day my dad told me that he was making vegetable soup for dinner, vegetarian therefore I could eat it. I had everything planned out in my head; when I was going to cook my spinach, how many pieces of spinach I could have, the low cal yoghurt I could have after if I felt like it. Then he tells me he's making dinner...my head is going crazy.I get up, make coffee, eat cheese, eat bread, eat yoghurt, eat TWO bowls of the soup and have a fucking hot chocolate! Oh my god I feel like I should die.
Since then I haven't been able to get food under control again because my periods started right after!
The words repeating over and over again in my head sice then is "I should die. I should die. I should die."
>_<
"I know the truth about life; it's a hell I'll never get out of alive." said a very intelligent pole dancer on True Blood.
That puts my thoughts on life into words perfectly.

ADD?

Well, I've been looking at the symptoms of ADD and I'm curious. I never thought I had ADD before but comparing symptoms to my life...
I always thought boys got ADD not girls but they do, in adulthood men and women have it equally.
I wonder if I should see a doctor? At the rate I'm going with concentration and stuff I really see myself failing school. I just cannot do any work and what little I manage to do is the absolute minimum.
Looking on the internet I read about adderall. If I go to my doctor claiming I think I have ADD do you think she'll think I only want adderall for the weight loss? I mean, sure the weight loss is partially why I want it but I also don't want to fail school. My HSC is coming up soon and I'm going to fail if I can't concentrate.
I found a web site where you can buy meds without a prescription and I really want to use it but I don't have a credit card >.<
If I go to my doctor she'll probably think I just want meds, plus I don't really like her...and she'll probably want to send me to the psychiatrist again which really sucks. I hate talking to bloody doctors.
The doctor did want to see me again when she upped my zoloft dose to see if it works better. Maybe I can go see her and tell her that I don't think the problem is the depression but more concentration because that was the main reason I wanted my dose upped; I couldn't get any work done and it was stressing me out.

I want adderall.

I'm a stupid fuck.

I could also show the doctor my retarded collar bones. They really piss me off because now that you can see them one sticks out more than the other...I think it is because one of my shoulders is lower than the other from lugging a bag around at school that weighs a fucking tonne. A good workout and all but sometimes my arm goes numb :/

Well it would seem a trip to the doctors is in order. Please oh please don't send me to the shrink again!

Day 1 of fasting yesterday; I fail and eat.
I decide; "Ok, I'll start over tomorrow."
Again, I fail. Bodus is I felt sick all day so I hope to be able to get out of any more eating.
But anyway, I fail at fasting 2 days in a row and Dad whines at me that I'm not eating. Hello! Failed fasting twice! Which means eating like a fat ass for fuck sake.
Why oh why can't I live alone?

Fasting!

@ Ana's Girl: I love hugs! *hugs* =D

I'm starting a 10 day fast tomorrow. I'm going to do it. Nothing is going to stop me this time. I want to do it so I will. I've been eating and eating and eating lately. I'm so discusted. The only good point is I haven't gained. Surprising I know.
I got my top and skirt for my formal today (order it on ebay lol). The skirt fits but the top is a little small. I'm going to make it fit if it kills me. I've got until the end of November I think so it shouldn't be too hard. An inch or two off my waist and it should fit. I'll probably get one of those underwear things that squish all your fat in anyway lol.

Right, that said; fasting, fasting, fasting! Feel free to join me if you like :)

Change

I just got back from a long walk around my town. I feel so fucking paranoid that everyone is watching me, laughing at me. Ug.
I walked around where I used to live until I was about 11. The area has changed so much! Houses added to and changed, what used to be empty fields now filled with massive houses. My old house looks completely dero.
It all makes me think; have I changed as much as this place has or has it all become so unfamiliar that I hardley recognise it. Change is inevitable but can be a bitch. Life was so much more simple when I lived there. I do remember always feeling different and always feeling depressed but back then it didn't seem so bad. I never self harmed, I didn't have as much trouble with eating (though I think I did over eat >.< ). I do always remember hating my body but it never really mattered because I never did anything about it...apart from cry, alot, but I never did try starving myself. Everything I tryed to do to lose weight was healthy but never worked. And now here I am; still fat, still depressed, fucked in the head even more.
Hoorah for change :\

What's going on?

My weight wont go down. Its driving me crazy. I've been restricting under 500 cal and working out but my weight stays the same or goes up! This is seriously doing my head in.

I don't know

My weight loss endeavour began when I weighed about 66kg. A fucking fat size 14. Disgusting. My first ultimate goal weight was 50kg, just underweight according to BMI. I'm now hovering around 55-56kg, a size 10, and I see no difference in how fat I am even though all my old clothes fall off me. My goal weight dropped to 48, then 45, and now 40kg. My BMI would be 14.5. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I want to look skeletal? When I see skeletal looking people I think how horrible they look but at the same time I think I want to be like that! What!? I don't want to be sick, I don't want to die (most of the time), so why am I knowingly depriving my body of things it needs to function properly? Why do I want to be so skinny that I look like you could snap me as easily as a twig?
I've actually begun doing my make up so it makes me look slightly sickly...and I think I looks good.

I know in my head that almost everything I think or want is irrational but it doesn't stop me from wanting those things.
When I hear/read/think about the complications of having a very low weight(kidney failure, heart problems etc.), it doesn't stop from doing what I've been doing. I just think; "I'll be fine, nothing will happen to me" but I know very well that when you are under nourished/underweight, you get sick. It fucking makes me feel satisfied when I get up and my vision dims and I feel like I'm going to fall over for a moment. It amuses me.

My own mind confuses the fuck out of me.

Happy

I no longer muffin-top out of my new size 10AU jeans!(size 6US). I want to get down to an Australian size 6, which is a US 2, but you very rarely find them here. I'll just have to be an 8 and use a belt...when I get there...
I can't imagine how small a 0 or 00 would be because a size 6 here looks so tiny...when you find them...
I wish Australian clothes were in American sizes because it would seem like you dropped two sizes when you look at the tag lol.

Failure

Everything had been going so well; day 5 of fasting, no cutting for a couple of weeks. And then mum makes me eat dinner. Then because I ate I couldn't stop and kept eating all biscuits and shit. My stomach hurts :( fucking food.
I went to my room and did 200 crunches, wanting to purge but I've never got it to work before...and its gross...people would notice.
Then I got out my razor blade...my entire inner forearm is now covered in cuts, though barely more than scratches. I think I cut my tongue a little while licking the razor...does blood have calories in it?
I feel like suck a fat, disgusting, pig. I just want to cry. I feel so much fatter now, my collar bones feel less defined, my stomach feels bloated and huge.
I was so close to getting below my lowest weight! If I have gained in the morning...I have no idea...maybe bash my head against the wall for a while.