Oh dear...

Mother saw a bit of the cuts on the side of my arm, only a scratch really. She doesn't seem to understand that trying to make me talk about it or show her only makes me feel very upset and want to cut more. Now I'm feeling the urge to cry even more. Good thing I haven't eaten today. Good thing she didn't see the fresh, deep cut.
No one understands the feeling of cutting. Its good, its a release, it makes me feel better and calm down. People shouldn't get to criticize me until the have felt what I feel constantly, what I go through on a daily basis. Sure other people have worse to deal with than me so they may understand but others who don't get it need to shut the fuck up until they open their eyes and see the world for what it really is; a pile of stinking shit with a pathetic excuse for life polluting it beyond repair.

Fat fat fat

My periods started today so I feel lower than crap. I feel like crying constantly and I feel fucking HUGE.

I have noticed recently that everyone around me looks fatter than they used to. When I say everyone I mean it. Random strangers I would previously have thought thin I now think they are not so thin and I notice every flaw about them from bad hair, small or large amounts of fat, blemishes, the way they walk and how their fat jiggles. Does everyone see this or is it just me? Do people notice these things about me? I never used to notice this so much. I'm so paranoid.

First day back

First day back at school. I'm sick of it already but very glad to get away from the pantry.
All of my friends were commenting on my weight loss all day. One teacher was even like; "Wow! Skinny mini! Look at you!" All their comments made me feel good but at the same time there was a voice in the back of my mind saying; "I'm not that thin." "I need to lose so much more." and, "Can't they see these fat rolls?" If only the holidays were longer so I could reach my goal before going back to school.
The one good thing about school is there is not risk of bingeing because I don't take food to school and I never bring any money. I'll just cling to that thought and get through school before it drives me to kill myself.

Phew, cleaning one's room most defiantly burns calories if the amount I was sweating is any indication of such. I seriously need to keep my room clean, there was a ridiculous amount of dust and rubbish in there and my nose will thank me if it doesn't have to be exposed to that much dust again.

I am glad but not to be going back to school tomorrow. I am glad because I have awesome new shoes that I adore and when I go to school the only meal I eat is dinner. It will be wonderful to get away from the temptation of food.
Why I am not glad is because I am now in year 12. Fucking kill me. I do not need my stress levels back up. School is the worst thing for my mental stability. Walking around fretting if people are noticing how fat I am, stressing over work, trying to sit down lightly but failing to stop the chair from squeaking, tripping over my own feet because I'm to preoccupied with stopping my uniform from clinging to my fat, avoiding all eye contact and internally sneering at all the people stuffing their faces around me at lunch as I sip my water.
I hope the new year 7s aren't as full of themselves as the last lot. Idiotic little 12 and 13 year olds, so full of themselves that they think they are better and can therefore harass everyone from classmates to teachers. I do not understand how their brains work.
I hope this year they will be sick of calling me emo (when I am not) and asking me ridiculous questions like; "Ohhh, are you gonna put an evil spell on us?", and statements like; "You're gonna burn in the sandpits of hell!" (Yeah, he said sandpits...) and, "Ahh, this chick is gonna kill me!" Just because I am depressed and resent human existence does not mean I am going to kill all of the idiots no matter how amusing it would be to see them cower like the pitiful cowards they are.

Oh Goddess, I can see an increase in my dose of Zoloft coming again. So soon?

Not gonna happen

There is no way that I'm going to reach my goal weight in time for going back to school. I'd have to lose 7.5 kg in less than a week. So, because of that failure I'm going to give myself until Samhain (1st May) to be 50 kg or less. Preferably less. Anyway, that is quite a long time to lose 7 kg, fitday.com even says that I can eat 1625 cal a day...like that is going to happen.
I chose Samhain as my deadline because I want to start the new year thin.
This time span is obviously much more realistic, if I can reach my goal in time I must be even more pathetic than I thought.

I just have to say this. Ana's Girl, you are just about the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. Thank you so much and I love you. Your support and faith is wonderful!

Rant

I resent all mirrors and reflective surfaces. The bane of my existence.

The think I want most in the world right now is to be thin right now. I can't stand this hatred. Hatred seems to be my dominant emotion. Hatred and melancholy. It is this hatred that makes me hurt myself, because I hate me.

I want to be the waif girl that you see at the shops. I want to be a shadow of a person. I want to barely exist. I want to disappear. I want to fade away from existence.

Starving seems to be the only way I can go. Once I start eating I find it impossible to stop, so, I wont start eating.

Why did I all of a sudden get the thought "I want to die"?
Because I'll never achieve anything?
Because I don't want to do anything?
Because I'm pathetic and can't to anything right?
Because I'm fat?
Because I'm ashamed?
Because I'm stupid?
Because I'm worthless?
Because I'm shallow?
Because I don't understand?
Because I want my blood?
Because I can never have what I want?
Because I'm ridiculous?
Because I'm selfish?
Because I'm ugly?
Because no one really likes me?
Because no one understands?
Because this is stupid?
Because all my goals seem unattainable?
Because no one wants me?
Because I'm pathetic and wallowing?
Because being dead would be easier.

Why?

My weight won't go down! I feel so pathetic. I feel like crying. But I don't cry anymore. No, I cry tears of blood from my wrist. Though that is getting more difficult to hide, being summer, it is hard to get away with wearing my arm warmer thingys all the time.

I'm doing the ABC diet but don't seem to be losing anything. My weight went up! My metabolism must really be shot. Damn. Well I am sticking to this diet.

My psychiatrist upped my anti-depressant medication and now I seem to be getting migraines. That little bitchy side effect better wear off soon. Though I could use it as an excuse...but no...my parents seem to think the cure for everything is food. They'd just tell me, "Why don't you just eat some dinner, maybe it will go away then." Yeah right, it'll get worse if I eat because then I get all agitated and upset and that just aggravates a migraine.

I shall post more later if my head doesn't explode.

Energyful

10 miles on exercise bike followed by a cold bath, probably not good for me but I was sweating like a fucking pig (let alone looking like one), stupid Australian climate! I only set out to do 2 or 3 miles but ended up doing 10. I was only doing 10 mph so it took me an hour but eh.

I feel so good right now. Full of energy. I powered through the last part of the 10th mile, probably because of the music I was listening to; Emilie Autumn the song at the time was I Know Where You Sleep, which is a faster paced song which never fails to fill me with energy and make me feel good.

Anyhoo, today is ment to be a 300 cal day but once I start eating I can't stop and its horrible so I'm not going to eat anything today unless my parents make me eat dinner.

Today is a 100 cal day and we're going out to dinner, wonderful!

The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

It arrived today! YAY! The book is so interesting. The T-Shirt that came with it is just about the only t-shirt that I can wear without feeling like a fat cow. The bundle was supposed to come with 2 recipes but I don't think they were in the box, I'm almost glad about that because I certainly do not need anymore food. Though the recipes were of vegan muffins so they probably wouldn't have been completely evil. Anyway, I'm now feeling elegant and more wayward victoriany than I was before. I actually feel ok right now, probably because my shrink upped my dose of Zoloft (The medication that Emilie Autumn takes apparently, I feel special now ^.^ ), not that I haven't taken more than my dosage before (4x my dose... :| ) anyway...one and a half tablets will probably only work for a week or two, then I'll need two tablets (that doesn't mix that well with Red Eye energy drink...I was all twitchy and jumpy for a couple of hours, I tend to get that way when I'm anxious...which is pretty much all the time...so I was extra twitchy and jumpy).

Well day 2 of ABC has well. When I know that I'm going to be eating out I'll just have to not eat anything else that day because I don't know the calorie content of the food. Lets just hope that every day I have to eat out is a 500 cal day and not a 100 cal day.

ABC diet

I am starting the ABC diet today. I have been slacking off dramatically in my weight loss plans and have been feeling much more depressed than usual as a result. I need to start exercising again which I sort of did yesterday by going for a swim.

I wonder if holding your breath underwater does anything for your metabolism? I spent about half an hour sitting behind the ladder in our pool submerging myself underwater and holding my breath for as long as I could. I like to do this when I'm feeling depressed because I find it so peaceful and relaxing. It's possibly also flirting with drowning myself but I wouldn't do it. I know it would hurt my family and friends. It's nice to think about sometimes though.

Anyway, ABC diet. 50 days. Today day 1. I have had coffee at around 20 cal.(I'm not sure of the exact amount of milk I have in it but I know 1 cup of the milk is 115 calories so I estimate how much I use and see the amount of calories that would be in that guesstimate)
My food plan for the rest of the day is:
Italian vegetable soup: 161 cal
Vegetarian curried sausages: 198 cal
=379 cal.
And then some sort of fruits and/or vegetables keeping my calorie quota below 500 of course.

I just did an experiment involving a 1/4 cup water and my coffee mug, and I think that my estimation of 1/6 cup of milk is correct so the 20 calories should be right.

Well thin thoughts to you all! :*

Pathetic

Fast, binge, fast, binge. I'd rather be dead than feel this hatred for myself.

Of longing and otherness

Why do clothing sizes have to be so varied? Now that I've dropped a couple of sizes I'm getting confused when I try and buy new clothes that fit. In one shop I fit into a 12(American 8), another shop and I'm a 10(American 6), and the again, I'm wearing my new undies I bought the other day and I thought, "hmmm, these could have been smaller," I look at the tag and they are a 10, I needed an 8(American 4). What the fuck? This is screwing with my mind. Am I a god-damn Lagre, Medium or Small? I used to know my size. I used to be somewhat happy with it. Not now. I've dropped 2 clothing sizes and can't see a difference. How is that possible? The scales say I'm lighter(though definitely not enough), my clothes say I'm thinner but then why does the mirror say I'm still the same. Why do people think my goal weight is too small? 50kg is my first goal weight, once I get there my next goal is 45kg. Good thing no one knows about my 45kg goal.

Anyway, enough ranting for the moment. I've been pleasantly surprised that my Mother has allowed my to fast. Day two is almost over and I am 58.15kg (but to reach my goal weight in time I should be 56kg right now...god-damned fat). I absolutely adore not eating. It makes me feel so good. I want to fast until next Sunday at the very least but I shudder to think when my parents will make me eat again.

May your dreams be full of happiness and thinness, unlike mine which recently have been full of fatness and binging, (thank god they're just dreams).

:*

Right, starting up my fast again. I want to go for a week. I feel so horrible about my failed fast I have a new collection of cuts. I will fast. I will not fail. I will be thin. Or die trying.

Fasting Fail

At least I lasted a day and a half and when I did break the fast it was with healthy salad. I will just have too eat small healthy portions until I can control my food away from my parents.

Another thing I think I forgot to post in my resolutions is that I am trying to grow my hair out as long as I can. I want it to be down past my bum with all my layers and dye grown out (I'm still going to dye it with a pink rinse when it is back to my natural colour). So my hair resolution is to only get trims when I need them, no dying and to look after my hair. I don't want it to fall out which it has been doing a bit of lately, though I'm not sure if it's because I'm not eating much or I'm just molting a lot.

Meh, I just want to disappear.

Resolutions and stuffs.

I am starting a juice fast today and want to go for all of January but my parents probably wont let me go more than a couple of days.
I want to do yoga every day and should start it today but well...I'm rather hungover. I was expecting to have gained because of all that alcohol but to my delight I am more than a kg lighter today than yesterday. Not exactly sure how that one happened...but it's good.
I have to get a job this year because I'm povo. I also need to start driving. I could be on my P's right now but I'm just not all that interested in driving.
I HAVE to be 50kg or less by the time I go back to school, so I've got about a month to lose at least 8.6kg.
Somehow today I actually look thinner. I usually just see fat. I think the party last night was a big confidence boost. I made out with 2 different guys (it was a party, I was drunk, I'm not a slut...much), and got to explore my violent side.
I am a completely different person when I am drunk to when I am sober. When I'm sober I'm very quiet and submissive, but when I am drunk I found out last night that I am dominating and violent...BDSM much? I was digging my nails into him and biting him, he probably has bruises, I do from when he did it back. I also have a bruise on my forehead because I head-butted him...not sure why I did that.

Anyway, I would like to wish all of you lovelies a thinner new year. I hope you all reach your goals :*