The party last night was fun but not so great for calorie consumption. I ate about a whole fucking bag of chips and drank all four 200 calorie cruisers. What I didn't realize is that now I have lost some weight, I can't take as much alcohol as I used to. I woke up this morning, I felt fine so I was thinking; 'Good, I don't have a hangover.' I went and had my Zoloft and then began to feel sick. I spent almost the entire day sleeping and trying not to throw up my anti-depressants while I should have been working off all that fucking shit I ate. When I finally did get up I went and had a cold bath to try and get my metabolism going. I'm going to try and fast for at least 2 days so I can get back that wonderful feeling I get from being empty.

p.s. Ana's girl: I do take multivitamins though I'm not sure if they are the best ones for what I need.

rambling and Fusion pill indications

My insides hurt and are emptying themselves like crazy. I don't know if it's because I've started taking metamusil or the fusion weight loss pills. I've lost count of how many times I've been to the bathroom today.
On the Fusion pill bottle it says:
"Indications:Supports healthy weight loss and body composition to enhance the results of a calorie-controlled diet and regular exercize for overweight people and those wanting to maintain healthy metabolic function. Helps improve fat metabolism, support normal thyroid function, and promote normal blood sugar regulation. Also promotes cardiovascular health and energy production."
If these things work I will be so happy. And to Ana's Girl, thank you love for the concern and I promise to stop taking them if they have bad effects on me.

I've obviously been eating too much because I now have my periods and horrible cramps. Periods seriously screw with my control. I'm terrified to weigh myself because I feel so bloated from my periods and EATING. Ehh. I've also got a sore on my back that is infected and wont heal because I'm probably lacking nutrients...it is really weird and twisted, but I sort of feel proud of that...what the fuck?

My best friends birthday party is tonight so for a couple of hours I will be able to get drunk and forget how much I hate everything...unless the 200 calorie vodka cruisers make me feel too guilty...sigh. It sucks that the only time I'm really happy is when I'm drunk, another time I'm r4eally happy is when I've reached a new low weight but that sadly doesn't happen as often as I would like...like everyday...I fucking wish.

I've been thinking lately that maybe I should only weigh myself once a week because it might not screw with my mind so much if I manage to lose more in between weighings.

Someone in my town was murdered last night...I wonder if I had ever seen them before? I've never heard of a murder here before.

Fusion weight loss herbs

I just got a bottle of Fusion chinese herb pills for weight loss. They claim to speed the metabolism of fats etc, etc, just generally aid in weight loss. I'll post what the bottle actually says later when my parents aren't around. These pills had better work.

Twitter

I made a twitter account about a week ago for all of the little things I want to write down that are too short for this blog so if any of my wonderful followers have twitter and would like to follow mine the link is https://twitter.com/Dead_LittleGirl

walkies

I just got back from a 10 mile walk. I really wanted to go further but it was starting to get dark and the moment I got home my parents said they were just about to send out a search party. I don't know if I walked for exactly 10 miles...the beach is 7 mile long, I went about 2/3 of the beach then went home, according to my calculations that was about 10 mile.
Woop, I hope my legs are sore tomorrow, then I know I'm getting somewhere.
The reason behind my longer than usual walk was that I really want to walk the whole length of the beach and the fact that I had gained somehow gave me an excuse to do it now. I've been stuck on 55.something kgs for weeks and it it seriously starting to piss me off. I really need to get below that. I have to be 50 at most by May 1st and I want to be 45 at most on my 18th birthday at the end of September.
Must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose, must lose.

Apparently I'm tiny...

My weight refuses to go down and it doesn't help that my parents keep shoving food down my throat.

I saw two of my friends yesterday that I haven't seen in maybe a month or two and they kept going on about how much weight I had lost. One friend kept touching my hips in amazement and hugged me and said; "I can fit my arms around you twice!" She couldn't actually, she was exaggerating. It never ceases to amaze me that people think I look good, think I look skinny, are they wearing blinders or something? What about my flabby arms, pot belly, jelly thighs and fat face? It makes me think that people are laughing about me behind my back. Paranoia sucks.

Also the other day one of my old friends (I don't talk to them anymore because they were bitches to me) told me how 'hot' I've been looking lately. So she wants to be nice to me now? I'll smile and say thank you while internally hating you.

I positively detest eating but All-Bran with light soy milk is good for emptying one's insides...
Even though it helps me lose in the long run when I eat it I still feel so depressed after eating it.

Chewing gum is my saviour, though it tends to make my jaw hurt...hope I don't get arthritis.

Next Saturday is my best friend's 18th birthday party. I hope its good and I don't get all anxious and antisocial like I usually do before going to parties. I want to go and I want to have fun but on the day I'll be trying to think of any excuse I can not to go. Vodka Cruisers have approximately 210 calories os 210x4 = 840 cal and no hangover. The no hangover part is good but the 840 calories part is not...
One problem when I'm drunk is that I tend to become very honest, I'm going to have to concentrate on not giving anything about my ED away.

I've been eating too much and not doing enough exercise. I feel depressed to the point of dysfunction. I don't even know what to write. All of this brought on by going to see the psychologist. Aren't they supposed to make you feel better not worse?

Ashamed and idea

I am so ashamed of myself. So much food. I weighed myself this morning and I've gained a kilo. I hate, hate, hate myself.

This afternoon though I went to the lake in our town. Mum didn't understand why I insisted on wearing a shirt in the water over my swimmers. I swam out to the centre and back twice. I was so tired. The problem with swimming is that when you get tired its hard to stop and rest which I suppose is good because it makes you work more but I would rather not drown thank you.

I'm going to try and swim to the centre of the lake and back a couple of times a week. It takes about half an hour to walk to the lake, I didn't time swimming to the middle and back but I was adequately exhausted. And I can make easy money out of it because my dad has told me he'll pay me $10 a week if I take my mum on a walk a couple of times a week. He thinks she is too lazy. I suppose she is but she gets some exercise walking from her car to work(further than it sounds) and walking around the shopping centre. Oh well, it'll help her and me.

Scared the shit outta me

I woke up this morning and almost had a heart attack until I realised my binge was just a dream. And I'm back down to my low weight and will hopefuly be below it this afternoon.

 

Why does weight have to fluctuate? It is sooo horrible. I'll get up, practically run to the scales to see how much I've lost because I didn't eat yesterday and what to the scales say? That I've gained a kilo. I know people always say that its natural for weight to fluctuate but I just can't stand it. I'm terrified to weigh myself in the mornings in case I gained over night.

I am seriously so pathetic. Why do I always have feelings for people that would never be interested in me? I love this teacher at school. Well love is probably a strong word because I don't know what its like. But I feel very strongly. Probably bordering on obsession. When I see him my stomach flips and I suck it in even more in case he sees me. I feel all fluttery whenever he is around and I have this internal monolog going about how much I want him and how fucking sexy he is. I have to watch him until he's out of my sight range and then once he's gone I feel crappy and I don't know how to explain the feeling, it's like I feel empty...like the empty feeling you get when you are feeling particularly depressed. He came up and spoke to me once in the library, I had my tarot cards out and came and said how cool he thinks tarot cards are and how his friend has some. I replied and talked a little but I must have sounded completely daft, stuttering a little. Oh I want him I want him I want him I want him! Will he want me when I reach my goal weight? When I pass it?

I can remember the first time I realized I hated myself and my body. I was little, I can't remember how old exactly, maybe 6 or 7. I remember feeling so depressed and curling up on an armchair and bawling. When my mum asked me what was wrong I screamed at her that I was fat, she told me I wasn't and that was when I stopped believing the things people tell me. When I was older in like year 7 and 8 I would (and still do) hide from cameras and scoff when people said I was pretty. My old friends would say 'Oh come on you're sexy!' but I knew I wasn't because I have fucking eyes, I could see myself. And now today one of my friends today saw the 'FAT' scar I carved into my wrist and she told me I wasn't fat. I had to convince her that it was, from before I had lost weight. I just wanted to yell at her that I was fat and just because I'm smaller than her doesn't make me thin. The same friend called me Skinny Bitch the other day after she hugged me goodbye (she wasn't being mean, it's her personality). It made me feel good but not as good as I would have felt if I was skinny.

When I'm skinny he will want me and I will not hate me anymore.

Argggh sigh fucking die

Punching ones thigh whilst cycling is not the best idea...causes cramping of the toes...ow. Oh well, I had a good reason; eating entirely too much dinner which was tofu stir-fry. I should have stopped after eating a couple of mouthfuls but no I just had to eat the entire bowl. I hate myself and the way my stomach is hurting right now. I cycled 4 miles after I ate and seriously contemplated making myself sick but no matter how much I try I just can't make myself throw up.

Entries to my diary whilst at school

Why does everything and everyone have to be so unbelievably vexing? I constantly feel horrid. I'm so fat. Everything feels so pointless. Why are my pills not working?

The reason I'm fat is because my parents made me chubby when I was little. Thanks, you ruined my life and mental stability.

I feel nothing. I don't feel anything right now. I don't get it, I usually feel depressed and pathetic. I'm not sure what is worse; feeling horrible or feeling nothing. Actually I do feel guilt, one of my dominant emotions, for eating so much food.

Fucking kill me right now. This is so fucking shit and pathetic (I think I overuse that word). School work does not mix with me. I just want to yell and scream and tell everyone how fucking ridiculous they are. I have to get out of this place and away from all these people. My periods are fucking finished so why do I still feel this way? My dose is doubled and still not working. What the fuck?

I feel so agitated. Twitchy. My stomach feels strange. I don't understand why I'm like this.

I can't take all this shit. I'm just finishing yr 12 before it drives me to kill myself. This really isn't a good environment for me. I can't just do what I have to without stressing. And I don't seem to be able to do much of what I'm supposed to. School is going to kill me. Its not right to put children through this sort of shit. Pile them with expectations and ideals. Threaten them with a mediocre life if they don't do well in school. My life is already crappy enough, I don't need that hanging over my head too. I can't do this because its killing me but I can't quit because I wont be able to make a decent living if I do. Look what you've all done to me(school and people with expectations). I am a pathetic shell that is scared to death of the future. I'm petrified of the responsibilities of life when I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. Humans are not designed for this. Our technology and expectations advance faster than we do. We can't handle the tress of the world we have created.

And now my mentor comes and talks to me and now I feel ten times fucking worse. I need to scream. I want my razor. I need to do something before I start crying because right now If I start I won't stop.

Scissors don't do fucking shit for cutting oneself. HA! I've got blood! Only a pathetic amount though. I just want to lay down and never get up again. I don't want to do anything. Can I please cease to exist? I can't, I can't, I just fucking can't.

Different diary

Food is the root of all evil. I feel good when I don't eat so that proves it.

Why won't people ever leave me alone? Asking me what's wrong, what I'm going or wanting to see my scars. When people do these things they only make me feel worse. I was in a reasonable mood before but now I just want to cry.

According to the numbers I've lost quite a bit of weight but when I look in the mirror, I barely see a difference. I'm horrified to think what I must have looked like before if I'm so fat now. Lose 5.5 kg and I'll be underweight apparently, I don't think so...this is more than 10 kg of fat...more like 10 or more. I am impervious to the BMI! lol. The BMI is a liar! How will that be underweight?

If I were to weigh 45 kg my BMI would apparently be 16.5...underweight...we'll see once we get there. This excess fat is at least 10 kg. I have to lose it.

I can't do anything. Everything feels horrible. I want to go home. School and expectations are the worst environment for me. I just feel worse and worse until I'm bursting to scream or I just start crying.

(insert entire page of writing 'can't' over and over again)

I can't do any work or anything. All I can do is sit and dwell on how crappy I feel and stress about how what I'm not doing AKA school work...will affect my future. I want to do things but I can't do them. I want to sleep all the time but I can't sleep easily and keep waking up through the night.

Why can't I just curl up on the floor when I need to and stay there? Oh yeah, because I wouldn't ever do anything else. But that is what I feel I need. Everything else just adds to that need. No one gets that. Everything they try and do or say just makes me want to even more.
--------

Ok...rambling done...I seem to repeat myself rather allot don't I? That was from a couple of days at school...I think I'm much better off at home. But I can't.

Anyway, hateful fatty signing off.

ta-da!

Toss a couple of vegetarian sausages in the microwave, add a little tomato sauce, add salad, smear tomato sauce artfully, empty plate into bin, take out rubbish, dinner is served! I love being home alone.

I'm now going to print out some thinspo.

Remember, craving is only a feeling.

Oh! I forgot! I wrote this today:

Ana, my angel, my feather weight doll. Help me achieve perfection, banish every last role. This fat, it drags me down, makes me ugly and invisible. When I reach perfection, I will be invincible.

blah...sounds worse the more I read it...

There's a good thing to keep me out of the kitchen at the moment; a giant huntsman spider the size of my hand when I stretch out my fingers above the entrance to the kitchen. Not going to walk under him if I can help it...

Ewww

Why oh why oh why did I eat that subway? Oh yeah, because my mum looks at me like I'm doing something wrong when I don't eat. At least it was vegan unless the bread had anything bleh in it so I don't think it had an outrageous amount of calories in it but I still feel like a fat pig. Why does my weight always have to go up after I hit a new low?

Finally, finally, finally got digital scales for my bathroom and what is the first thing they tell me? That I've gained a kilo. Great. It's good that I don't have to go into my parents bathroom to weigh myself anymore because when mum sees me she always asks me about the marks on my body. What does she think I'm going to say? "Oh? That mark? I was feeling really depressed at school so I tried to cut myself with scissors but they weren't sharp enough so I scratched my thighs as hard as I could instead. And those ones on my arm? I cut myself when I feel crappy and carve FAT into it when I over eat. The welts too? I snap the rubber band around my wrist when I think about eating something. Is that all? Can I see what the scales say now?" She'd take that well...

Lower!

55.65! I wasn't expecting to lose that much in 24 hours. Almost a kilo. I wonder how much I'll be once I get home and weigh myself. I really have to by scales to have in my bathroom. My parents have digital scales in their bathroom and in my bathroom there are crappy analog scales that give a different weight to the digital scales. Really very frustrating.

Finally

I am finally back down to my lowest weight of 56.5kg. This afternoon it will be less because I will starve.

horrid bloated cow

I am sooo fat right now. Why do people make me eat? Why do they all keep going on about how 'thin' they think I am? When they say that it just makes me think about how much more I need to lose and how fucking blind the population is.

I was talking with my friend yesterday and I think she is suspicious of my weight loss. She kept commenting on all the girls walking past; saying how horrible they looked because she thinks they are too thin and how they need curves. I was just sitting there making sounds of agreement while internally thinking about how wrong the is and what a pathetic attempt to try and discourage me. None of them have any idea what it is like inside my head.

Another friend today kept going on about how 'tiny' she thought I was. Compared to her maybe, she is a fucking whale. But me? Tiny? Seriously? Not possible. I'm not even down to 50 kg yet. And my waist is fucking massive! 28.5 inches! How do people think that is small? Small is more like 20 inches thank you very much bitches.

Ehhh...I feel soo depressed lately. My meds aren't working. Do they want me depressed to the point of dysfunction and suicide?