Why does weight have to fluctuate? It is sooo horrible. I'll get up, practically run to the scales to see how much I've lost because I didn't eat yesterday and what to the scales say? That I've gained a kilo. I know people always say that its natural for weight to fluctuate but I just can't stand it. I'm terrified to weigh myself in the mornings in case I gained over night.

I am seriously so pathetic. Why do I always have feelings for people that would never be interested in me? I love this teacher at school. Well love is probably a strong word because I don't know what its like. But I feel very strongly. Probably bordering on obsession. When I see him my stomach flips and I suck it in even more in case he sees me. I feel all fluttery whenever he is around and I have this internal monolog going about how much I want him and how fucking sexy he is. I have to watch him until he's out of my sight range and then once he's gone I feel crappy and I don't know how to explain the feeling, it's like I feel empty...like the empty feeling you get when you are feeling particularly depressed. He came up and spoke to me once in the library, I had my tarot cards out and came and said how cool he thinks tarot cards are and how his friend has some. I replied and talked a little but I must have sounded completely daft, stuttering a little. Oh I want him I want him I want him I want him! Will he want me when I reach my goal weight? When I pass it?

I can remember the first time I realized I hated myself and my body. I was little, I can't remember how old exactly, maybe 6 or 7. I remember feeling so depressed and curling up on an armchair and bawling. When my mum asked me what was wrong I screamed at her that I was fat, she told me I wasn't and that was when I stopped believing the things people tell me. When I was older in like year 7 and 8 I would (and still do) hide from cameras and scoff when people said I was pretty. My old friends would say 'Oh come on you're sexy!' but I knew I wasn't because I have fucking eyes, I could see myself. And now today one of my friends today saw the 'FAT' scar I carved into my wrist and she told me I wasn't fat. I had to convince her that it was, from before I had lost weight. I just wanted to yell at her that I was fat and just because I'm smaller than her doesn't make me thin. The same friend called me Skinny Bitch the other day after she hugged me goodbye (she wasn't being mean, it's her personality). It made me feel good but not as good as I would have felt if I was skinny.

When I'm skinny he will want me and I will not hate me anymore.