I really frightened myself last night with how deeply I cut. I decided to keep my diet under 20 carbs but I had to eat out with my family. I had a salad but it was over 20 carbs. After that I kept eating and eating. I went into my room and I was really upset with myself and angry at things I counld hear my father saying from the livingroom. So I got out my razor blade. All the cuts I had previously made were barely more than scratches with the occasional cut gapping 1-1.5mm. This one gapped about 5mm. It was strange; one second I was holding the razor ready to cut, the next I was staring at about half a cm of the inside of my arm, everything went quiet, I stopped breathing, then the blood started beading. I put a tissue over it and bound it with a bandage I keep in my room. That moment where everything goes still and you think; Did I go too far? is very frightening. I suppose I'm lucky the cut was up near the inside of my elbow because if it was down on my wrist I think it may have been too deep.

I must love to dispise myself because I keep on binging. Alcohol doesn't help any...

WTF!!!

The scales say I'm 58.4kg! I was 56.6kg yesterday! I haven't eaten anything, What the fuck is going on?! It makes me so angry and frustrated and confused. I feel like a fucking whale.

Ande predictably I've gained. Don't tell me I'm plateauing again. I only just got past the last one and it seems to be happening again. Why can't I plateau at 50? At least that would be almost acceptable. But no, I'm stuck between 57 and 56...disgusting.

I watched supersize me yesterday. It seriously re enforced my reasongs for never going to fast food places. Fucking disgusting shit.
I really, really need to detox properly to get rid of of all the shit food would have built up in me over the years from all the crap they putin it these days. It seriously makes me want to never eat again even more but because of all the shit in it everyone is fucking addicted. All this stuff going around about how bad it is to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, caffine, and they go putting addictive crap in food and whine when you decide you want to break your addiction. Make up your fucking minds; addiction = good or bad?

I'm not eating from now until next week except for dad's birthday party where I will eat as little as I can get away with. It is so fucking pathetic that I am way above what losertown says I should be if I wasn't suck a lazy fuck. The weather shouldn't stop me from working out like it has been...except for the tornado...I think not workiong out then was acceptable. Though I did get a bit of exercise walking around for three hours inspecting to damage to the town.

Think thin, stay thin.

Holy craps...

In the town I live in this morning there was a big storm. A water spout touched down and swept through downtown. There's like 30 houses destroyed and a couple people missing. Holy fucks...there is debis everywhere. I'm lucky I don't live downtown.

56.6 thats what you get you fat hoe for eating cake

I got away with a salad the other night when we went out so that was good and I'm almost back on track for what losertown.org says I should be. That site is great, you put in your weight and stuff and how many calories you plan to eat everyday and how much exercize you do and it tells you how much you should weigh every week. I'm about 1/2 kg higher than what losertown says I should be (stupid binge days fucking up my calories)but I feel ok.

I've finally got past the plateau my weight was hanging around and I'm down to 56.5kg. It's good but I still look incredibly fat. It's about 17 weeks until my birthday now so I've got that long to get to 48kg...or 45kg...depending on how I look. I think I can do it because 17 weeks sounds like a long time.

Went grocerie shopping with mum on the weekend and she's bought all this fresh fruit for me because she knows I'm trying to eat only raw foods (except for my coffee...I adore my coffee). I don't want to eat any of it but if I don't I feel really bad because she bought it for me. So, I'm going to have one or two bits of fruit or veg for dinner every night. I've been turning them into smoothies because I don't feel as anxious drinking than I do when I eat. What I had last night was pretty good, it was;
banana
dates
wallnuts
water
vanilla
I just chuck it all in the blender and mix it up. I don't think mum likes me drinking instead of eating but it was food in the first place...now it's just mooshed food you can fit through a straw...

I think I need to wear more baggy clothes because mum asked me if I've lost weight again, I said no but I really don't think she believed me. She was underweight when she was my age so why can't she leave me alone?

Thanks for your comments, they are love.
‘Quod me nutrit me destruit’