@ Ana's Girl: I love hugs! *hugs* =D
I'm starting a 10 day fast tomorrow. I'm going to do it. Nothing is going to stop me this time. I want to do it so I will. I've been eating and eating and eating lately. I'm so discusted. The only good point is I haven't gained. Surprising I know.
I got my top and skirt for my formal today (order it on ebay lol). The skirt fits but the top is a little small. I'm going to make it fit if it kills me. I've got until the end of November I think so it shouldn't be too hard. An inch or two off my waist and it should fit. I'll probably get one of those underwear things that squish all your fat in anyway lol.
Right, that said; fasting, fasting, fasting! Feel free to join me if you like :)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Change
I just got back from a long walk around my town. I feel so fucking paranoid that everyone is watching me, laughing at me. Ug.
I walked around where I used to live until I was about 11. The area has changed so much! Houses added to and changed, what used to be empty fields now filled with massive houses. My old house looks completely dero.
It all makes me think; have I changed as much as this place has or has it all become so unfamiliar that I hardley recognise it. Change is inevitable but can be a bitch. Life was so much more simple when I lived there. I do remember always feeling different and always feeling depressed but back then it didn't seem so bad. I never self harmed, I didn't have as much trouble with eating (though I think I did over eat >.< ). I do always remember hating my body but it never really mattered because I never did anything about it...apart from cry, alot, but I never did try starving myself. Everything I tryed to do to lose weight was healthy but never worked. And now here I am; still fat, still depressed, fucked in the head even more.
Hoorah for change :\
I walked around where I used to live until I was about 11. The area has changed so much! Houses added to and changed, what used to be empty fields now filled with massive houses. My old house looks completely dero.
It all makes me think; have I changed as much as this place has or has it all become so unfamiliar that I hardley recognise it. Change is inevitable but can be a bitch. Life was so much more simple when I lived there. I do remember always feeling different and always feeling depressed but back then it didn't seem so bad. I never self harmed, I didn't have as much trouble with eating (though I think I did over eat >.< ). I do always remember hating my body but it never really mattered because I never did anything about it...apart from cry, alot, but I never did try starving myself. Everything I tryed to do to lose weight was healthy but never worked. And now here I am; still fat, still depressed, fucked in the head even more.
Hoorah for change :\
Sunday, July 11, 2010
What's going on?
My weight wont go down. Its driving me crazy. I've been restricting under 500 cal and working out but my weight stays the same or goes up! This is seriously doing my head in.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I don't know
My weight loss endeavour began when I weighed about 66kg. A fucking fat size 14. Disgusting. My first ultimate goal weight was 50kg, just underweight according to BMI. I'm now hovering around 55-56kg, a size 10, and I see no difference in how fat I am even though all my old clothes fall off me. My goal weight dropped to 48, then 45, and now 40kg. My BMI would be 14.5. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I want to look skeletal? When I see skeletal looking people I think how horrible they look but at the same time I think I want to be like that! What!? I don't want to be sick, I don't want to die (most of the time), so why am I knowingly depriving my body of things it needs to function properly? Why do I want to be so skinny that I look like you could snap me as easily as a twig?
I've actually begun doing my make up so it makes me look slightly sickly...and I think I looks good.
I know in my head that almost everything I think or want is irrational but it doesn't stop me from wanting those things.
When I hear/read/think about the complications of having a very low weight(kidney failure, heart problems etc.), it doesn't stop from doing what I've been doing. I just think; "I'll be fine, nothing will happen to me" but I know very well that when you are under nourished/underweight, you get sick. It fucking makes me feel satisfied when I get up and my vision dims and I feel like I'm going to fall over for a moment. It amuses me.
My own mind confuses the fuck out of me.
I've actually begun doing my make up so it makes me look slightly sickly...and I think I looks good.
I know in my head that almost everything I think or want is irrational but it doesn't stop me from wanting those things.
When I hear/read/think about the complications of having a very low weight(kidney failure, heart problems etc.), it doesn't stop from doing what I've been doing. I just think; "I'll be fine, nothing will happen to me" but I know very well that when you are under nourished/underweight, you get sick. It fucking makes me feel satisfied when I get up and my vision dims and I feel like I'm going to fall over for a moment. It amuses me.
My own mind confuses the fuck out of me.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Happy
I no longer muffin-top out of my new size 10AU jeans!(size 6US). I want to get down to an Australian size 6, which is a US 2, but you very rarely find them here. I'll just have to be an 8 and use a belt...when I get there...
I can't imagine how small a 0 or 00 would be because a size 6 here looks so tiny...when you find them...
I wish Australian clothes were in American sizes because it would seem like you dropped two sizes when you look at the tag lol.
I can't imagine how small a 0 or 00 would be because a size 6 here looks so tiny...when you find them...
I wish Australian clothes were in American sizes because it would seem like you dropped two sizes when you look at the tag lol.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Failure
Everything had been going so well; day 5 of fasting, no cutting for a couple of weeks. And then mum makes me eat dinner. Then because I ate I couldn't stop and kept eating all biscuits and shit. My stomach hurts :( fucking food.
I went to my room and did 200 crunches, wanting to purge but I've never got it to work before...and its gross...people would notice.
Then I got out my razor blade...my entire inner forearm is now covered in cuts, though barely more than scratches. I think I cut my tongue a little while licking the razor...does blood have calories in it?
I feel like suck a fat, disgusting, pig. I just want to cry. I feel so much fatter now, my collar bones feel less defined, my stomach feels bloated and huge.
I was so close to getting below my lowest weight! If I have gained in the morning...I have no idea...maybe bash my head against the wall for a while.
I went to my room and did 200 crunches, wanting to purge but I've never got it to work before...and its gross...people would notice.
Then I got out my razor blade...my entire inner forearm is now covered in cuts, though barely more than scratches. I think I cut my tongue a little while licking the razor...does blood have calories in it?
I feel like suck a fat, disgusting, pig. I just want to cry. I feel so much fatter now, my collar bones feel less defined, my stomach feels bloated and huge.
I was so close to getting below my lowest weight! If I have gained in the morning...I have no idea...maybe bash my head against the wall for a while.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Working scales would be nice
Day four of liquid fast is going well, I've never made it this far before. I feels like I've achieved something.
Anyway, I got home from school a little while ago and went to weigh myself to see if I was any lighter than I was this morning (I do this every day). I took of my heavy clothes so I was only wearing a shirt, got on the scales...55.3kg/121.9lb...That is only 100g loss since the morning so I took off my shirt and got on the scales again...55.8kg/123lb! What the fuck! I got off the scales and got back on a couple of times but it kept saying 55.8.
So, I went into my parents bathroom, got on their scale...54.7kg/120.5lb. What is going on! Digital scales are fucking rediculous. But then again analog scales or whatever the fuck you call them, get out of whack too...Why can't something tell me the right weight? I want to know! Is it the higher or lower number?
Guh, I have to go work out.
Anyway, I got home from school a little while ago and went to weigh myself to see if I was any lighter than I was this morning (I do this every day). I took of my heavy clothes so I was only wearing a shirt, got on the scales...55.3kg/121.9lb...That is only 100g loss since the morning so I took off my shirt and got on the scales again...55.8kg/123lb! What the fuck! I got off the scales and got back on a couple of times but it kept saying 55.8.
So, I went into my parents bathroom, got on their scale...54.7kg/120.5lb. What is going on! Digital scales are fucking rediculous. But then again analog scales or whatever the fuck you call them, get out of whack too...Why can't something tell me the right weight? I want to know! Is it the higher or lower number?
Guh, I have to go work out.
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