Mr. Sexy smiled at me today
OMNOMNOMNOM!! I would happily eat him =D
I am once again starting the ABC diet today. Let’s see how far I can get this time...
I've already eaten 300-400 of the cals I can have today...all in CHOCOLATE!! The fuck...?
I don't even remember the last time I worked out so I rightfully feel like a fat assed lazy cow. I'm far too scared to step on the scales.
Trial HSC going on right now...prepare for the failage. I'm not really worried for some reason. Or maybe I subconsciously am worried so I'm eating my emotions without realising my emotions...? I don't know anymore.
I had to go and speak with the school counsellor the other day because one of my teachers read something in my school book that sounded somewhat suicidal...whoops. But seriously, the guy was a moron. He spoke in the stereotypical hypnotic counsellor voice and he was telling me to remember that I'm "special" and all that shit. I would have gotten exactly the same speech if I watched a bad teenage movie. I didn't know that people were like that outside of the movies, I could barely keep myself from giggling.
Oh well. Biology exam tomorrow. 3 hours of sitting in a hard uncomfortable chair doing next to nothing. I swear there is like an anti-biology shield around my brain or something because I just can't take any of it in. Doesn't help that it's boring.
Prepare for the numb ass!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Discoveries
Discovery number 1. Sharing a bet with a dog makes you smell like a dog. Having your period whilst smelling like a dog results in inter-species attempted rape...at least the dog was cute.
Discovery number 2. Attempted rape by a dog is the most male attention I've had in months.
Discovery number 3. If I can't control what I eat by making the food myself then I go completely nuts and eat all food within sight.
The other day my dad told me that he was making vegetable soup for dinner, vegetarian therefore I could eat it. I had everything planned out in my head; when I was going to cook my spinach, how many pieces of spinach I could have, the low cal yoghurt I could have after if I felt like it. Then he tells me he's making dinner...my head is going crazy.I get up, make coffee, eat cheese, eat bread, eat yoghurt, eat TWO bowls of the soup and have a fucking hot chocolate! Oh my god I feel like I should die.
Since then I haven't been able to get food under control again because my periods started right after!
The words repeating over and over again in my head sice then is "I should die. I should die. I should die."
>_<
"I know the truth about life; it's a hell I'll never get out of alive." said a very intelligent pole dancer on True Blood.
That puts my thoughts on life into words perfectly.
Discovery number 2. Attempted rape by a dog is the most male attention I've had in months.
Discovery number 3. If I can't control what I eat by making the food myself then I go completely nuts and eat all food within sight.
The other day my dad told me that he was making vegetable soup for dinner, vegetarian therefore I could eat it. I had everything planned out in my head; when I was going to cook my spinach, how many pieces of spinach I could have, the low cal yoghurt I could have after if I felt like it. Then he tells me he's making dinner...my head is going crazy.I get up, make coffee, eat cheese, eat bread, eat yoghurt, eat TWO bowls of the soup and have a fucking hot chocolate! Oh my god I feel like I should die.
Since then I haven't been able to get food under control again because my periods started right after!
The words repeating over and over again in my head sice then is "I should die. I should die. I should die."
>_<
"I know the truth about life; it's a hell I'll never get out of alive." said a very intelligent pole dancer on True Blood.
That puts my thoughts on life into words perfectly.
Monday, July 19, 2010
ADD?
Well, I've been looking at the symptoms of ADD and I'm curious. I never thought I had ADD before but comparing symptoms to my life...
I always thought boys got ADD not girls but they do, in adulthood men and women have it equally.
I wonder if I should see a doctor? At the rate I'm going with concentration and stuff I really see myself failing school. I just cannot do any work and what little I manage to do is the absolute minimum.
Looking on the internet I read about adderall. If I go to my doctor claiming I think I have ADD do you think she'll think I only want adderall for the weight loss? I mean, sure the weight loss is partially why I want it but I also don't want to fail school. My HSC is coming up soon and I'm going to fail if I can't concentrate.
I found a web site where you can buy meds without a prescription and I really want to use it but I don't have a credit card >.<
If I go to my doctor she'll probably think I just want meds, plus I don't really like her...and she'll probably want to send me to the psychiatrist again which really sucks. I hate talking to bloody doctors.
The doctor did want to see me again when she upped my zoloft dose to see if it works better. Maybe I can go see her and tell her that I don't think the problem is the depression but more concentration because that was the main reason I wanted my dose upped; I couldn't get any work done and it was stressing me out.
I want adderall.
I'm a stupid fuck.
I could also show the doctor my retarded collar bones. They really piss me off because now that you can see them one sticks out more than the other...I think it is because one of my shoulders is lower than the other from lugging a bag around at school that weighs a fucking tonne. A good workout and all but sometimes my arm goes numb :/
Well it would seem a trip to the doctors is in order. Please oh please don't send me to the shrink again!
I always thought boys got ADD not girls but they do, in adulthood men and women have it equally.
I wonder if I should see a doctor? At the rate I'm going with concentration and stuff I really see myself failing school. I just cannot do any work and what little I manage to do is the absolute minimum.
Looking on the internet I read about adderall. If I go to my doctor claiming I think I have ADD do you think she'll think I only want adderall for the weight loss? I mean, sure the weight loss is partially why I want it but I also don't want to fail school. My HSC is coming up soon and I'm going to fail if I can't concentrate.
I found a web site where you can buy meds without a prescription and I really want to use it but I don't have a credit card >.<
If I go to my doctor she'll probably think I just want meds, plus I don't really like her...and she'll probably want to send me to the psychiatrist again which really sucks. I hate talking to bloody doctors.
The doctor did want to see me again when she upped my zoloft dose to see if it works better. Maybe I can go see her and tell her that I don't think the problem is the depression but more concentration because that was the main reason I wanted my dose upped; I couldn't get any work done and it was stressing me out.
I want adderall.
I'm a stupid fuck.
I could also show the doctor my retarded collar bones. They really piss me off because now that you can see them one sticks out more than the other...I think it is because one of my shoulders is lower than the other from lugging a bag around at school that weighs a fucking tonne. A good workout and all but sometimes my arm goes numb :/
Well it would seem a trip to the doctors is in order. Please oh please don't send me to the shrink again!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Day 1 of fasting yesterday; I fail and eat.
I decide; "Ok, I'll start over tomorrow."
Again, I fail. Bodus is I felt sick all day so I hope to be able to get out of any more eating.
But anyway, I fail at fasting 2 days in a row and Dad whines at me that I'm not eating. Hello! Failed fasting twice! Which means eating like a fat ass for fuck sake.
Why oh why can't I live alone?
I decide; "Ok, I'll start over tomorrow."
Again, I fail. Bodus is I felt sick all day so I hope to be able to get out of any more eating.
But anyway, I fail at fasting 2 days in a row and Dad whines at me that I'm not eating. Hello! Failed fasting twice! Which means eating like a fat ass for fuck sake.
Why oh why can't I live alone?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Fasting!
@ Ana's Girl: I love hugs! *hugs* =D
I'm starting a 10 day fast tomorrow. I'm going to do it. Nothing is going to stop me this time. I want to do it so I will. I've been eating and eating and eating lately. I'm so discusted. The only good point is I haven't gained. Surprising I know.
I got my top and skirt for my formal today (order it on ebay lol). The skirt fits but the top is a little small. I'm going to make it fit if it kills me. I've got until the end of November I think so it shouldn't be too hard. An inch or two off my waist and it should fit. I'll probably get one of those underwear things that squish all your fat in anyway lol.
Right, that said; fasting, fasting, fasting! Feel free to join me if you like :)
I'm starting a 10 day fast tomorrow. I'm going to do it. Nothing is going to stop me this time. I want to do it so I will. I've been eating and eating and eating lately. I'm so discusted. The only good point is I haven't gained. Surprising I know.
I got my top and skirt for my formal today (order it on ebay lol). The skirt fits but the top is a little small. I'm going to make it fit if it kills me. I've got until the end of November I think so it shouldn't be too hard. An inch or two off my waist and it should fit. I'll probably get one of those underwear things that squish all your fat in anyway lol.
Right, that said; fasting, fasting, fasting! Feel free to join me if you like :)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Change
I just got back from a long walk around my town. I feel so fucking paranoid that everyone is watching me, laughing at me. Ug.
I walked around where I used to live until I was about 11. The area has changed so much! Houses added to and changed, what used to be empty fields now filled with massive houses. My old house looks completely dero.
It all makes me think; have I changed as much as this place has or has it all become so unfamiliar that I hardley recognise it. Change is inevitable but can be a bitch. Life was so much more simple when I lived there. I do remember always feeling different and always feeling depressed but back then it didn't seem so bad. I never self harmed, I didn't have as much trouble with eating (though I think I did over eat >.< ). I do always remember hating my body but it never really mattered because I never did anything about it...apart from cry, alot, but I never did try starving myself. Everything I tryed to do to lose weight was healthy but never worked. And now here I am; still fat, still depressed, fucked in the head even more.
Hoorah for change :\
I walked around where I used to live until I was about 11. The area has changed so much! Houses added to and changed, what used to be empty fields now filled with massive houses. My old house looks completely dero.
It all makes me think; have I changed as much as this place has or has it all become so unfamiliar that I hardley recognise it. Change is inevitable but can be a bitch. Life was so much more simple when I lived there. I do remember always feeling different and always feeling depressed but back then it didn't seem so bad. I never self harmed, I didn't have as much trouble with eating (though I think I did over eat >.< ). I do always remember hating my body but it never really mattered because I never did anything about it...apart from cry, alot, but I never did try starving myself. Everything I tryed to do to lose weight was healthy but never worked. And now here I am; still fat, still depressed, fucked in the head even more.
Hoorah for change :\
Sunday, July 11, 2010
What's going on?
My weight wont go down. Its driving me crazy. I've been restricting under 500 cal and working out but my weight stays the same or goes up! This is seriously doing my head in.
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